Police 'Not Letting You Have A Go Of Their Tasers'

SENIOR police officers last night said there was no way you were getting a go of their tasers despite new data showing they are even more fun than previously believed.

Statistics, released under the Freedom of Information Act, show that 74% of taser injuries during 2008 were sustained to the buttocks in police station recreation rooms.

And in the second half of last year over 220 police officers sustained tongue injuries after their fellow officers dared them to see what electricity tasted like.

Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson said: "These are not toys, even if they are brilliant fun and it was mental the time I used mine to knock an owl straight out of a tree.

"However there's absolutely no way I would condone incidents like the time we took ours to Longleat and did target practice on otters while reciting one-liners from Jason Statham movies."

One constable, from Hertfordshire, said: "No fucking chance. I let my brother in law hold it briefly on his birthday but that's it.

"If someone in the pub asks I tell them it's strictly for official police use, and they nod in agreement and then I shoot them in the nuts."

He added: "When they're on the deck spazzing out I'll stand over them, blow an imaginary wisp of smoke off the end of the barrel and say either 'I vanquish thee' or 'your powers are weak old man' and everyone laughs their tits off.

"And you should see what it does to a toad."

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Sarkozy Calls For Sexier Burkas

PRESIDENT Sarkozy has criticised the wearing of burkas by French muslims, insisting they stop people seeing what an incredibly hot wife you have, if you have one, which he does.

The president said muslim women should be free to wear whatever they want, like the cocktail dress his wife Carla wore for dinner last night. He added: "Slit right up to here it was, and backless so you could see a hint of side-tit. Magic."

The president wants Chanel to design a modern, more flattering burka and robe, perhaps showing a daring glimpse of thigh

Sarkozy stressed that his wife's thighs are 36 inches long, adding: "If you think I haven't measured them then you must be out of your tiny mind."

Meanwhile design house Lacroix hopes to rejuvenate its fortunes with an autumn range of 'Hot Hijabs' later this month.

Amongst the collection will be gold-embossed headwear with slogans including 'Jihad Enough?' and 'Does This Make Me Look Fatwah?' picked out in pearls.

Sarkozy insisted he did not want to offend muslims, stressing: "My concern is for the personal liberty of French citizens, be they a humble housewife or a top-class ride like Carla.

"Seriously, have you seen that photo of her bending over a desk? I get to go home to that every night. Unbe-fucking-lievable."