Offended Pikeys Steal Brundle’s Car

A GANG of upset tinks has stolen Martin Brundle’s car after the Formula One commentator called them ‘pikeys’ on national television.

The aggrieved gippoes called at Brundle’s home and offered to tarmac his drive for £50, despite the fact he had a large sign saying ‘no pikeys’ at his front gate.

Brundle said two of the tinkers distracted him with an elaborate song and dance routine while the others broke into his garage and stole his BMW M5 estate.

The former racing driver said: "I hear a knock and it’s gippoes at the door, I pointed at the sign and said 'can’t you read pikey?'

"That Beamer will be in Ireland by now, wheels off and full of pigs. How was I to know gippoes had telly?"

He added: "And by the way, I've also lost my hedge trimmers and my gas barbecue and the cat seems to have gone missing."

Inspector Bill McKay, who is leading the investigation, said: "A pikey calls and hours later a gang of illiterate, unwashed children are feasting on freshly roasted cat. You don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes, do you?"

An ITV spokesman apologised for Brundle’s use of the work 'pikey', adding: "It was a lighthearted remark and never intended to cause offence to either the gippoes or the tinks."

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Taliban In Retreat From Nancy Boy Actors

TALIBAN forces in southern Afghanistan were in retreat last night after a fresh offensive by Britain's nancy boy actors.

The absolute darlings flounced into combat late last week and took-up a series of extremely limp-wristed positions along the Helmand River.

After applying some moisturiser and waxing their chests, they began wave after wave of beastly, high-pitched attacks on key Taliban targets.

An Army spokesman said: "They were soooo well organised. Each platoon wore colour-coded bandanas and everyone had plenty of mineral water.

"There was a slight hitch when 'C' company forgot their motivation, but we just sat them down and said, 'the Taliban are all smelly and evil and you're the big, tough soldier who's avenging the death of a very close personal friend'.

"Major Everett was especially brave, sneaking up on this really butch Taliban fighter and then slapping him very hard on the upper arm until they both started crying.

"Then they sat down and watched St Trinian's until the Taliban fellow shot himself."

He added: "Major Everett is understandably very shaken by the whole experience and has retired to his tent with a Cadbury's Chocolate Orange and a copy of Tatler."