Alcohol Cravings Reduced By Alcohol, Says Alcoholic

CRAVINGS for alcohol are best reduced by alcohol, alcoholics said last night. 

William McKay, a problem drinker, said new drug treatments had temporarily reduced his desire for alcohol but were still less effective than two cans of Sweetheart Stout.

Mr McKay said: "As soon as I took the drugs I felt giddy and euphoric, but then again I was probably still a bit pissed.

"After about half an hour my senses were sharper and I felt balanced, relaxed and desperately in need of a drink." 

Mr McKay stressed the drug treatment is not only expensive to produce but has to be injected directly into his brain, unlike Scrumpy Jack, which he can 'neck' in less than a minute.

Insisting the drugs were unlikely to change his daily routine, he said very strong ciders remained the best way to start the day, second only to Cheerios.

Mr McKay added: "Things really pick up around 11am and after seven or eight vodkas and Irn Bru I'm ready for work.

"God, I love being a surgeon."

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Drivers Urged To Panic

DRIVERS were last night urged to go apeshit crazy, as everything went tits up.

With petrol stations poised on the brink of an abyss, the government was forced to issue an emergency statement stressing the need to completely freak out.

The statement continued: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

"Why are you all just standing there? Oh my God, I see what's going on here – you've all gone mad! All of you! And I'm the only sane one left! Aaaaaaaargh!"

Ministers said the panic should not be restricted to fuel supplies, urging drivers to completely lose it over anything, including terrorism, rabid animal attacks and Fern Britton's extended sabbatical from This Morning.

A spokesman for the department of transport said: "Oh, it's you, thank God for that. I thought it might have been…. no… no…. NOOOOOOO!


Schools secretary Ed Balls appealed for chaos by stealing a police horse and galloping down Whitehall, shouting: "Them's a comin', run for yer lives!"

Meanwhile chancellor Alistair Darling appeared on Channel 4 News, screaming at the top of his voice, tearing all his clothes off and using a lipstick to scrawl 'BITCH' across his naked chest.