THE offside rule is so simple even a female human could understand it, experts have confirmed.
As Sky Sports launched some dreary investigation into the brains of Andy Gray and Richard Keys, experts said it would be impossible for a woman to not understand the offside rule because it is one of the rules of football.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Of all the non-American sports, football is easily the most childishly simple.
“This is not Fermat’s Last Theorem. It is a game designed specifically for low-grade morons who have to be told when to go to the toilet.
“Claiming you don’t understand the offside rule is just one of those things people say at parties, because if they really didn’t understand it they would be either a potato or a bar of soap.”
Helen Archer, a woman from Stevenage, said: “Yes, that all seems perfectly straightforward. And I assume when you say two opposing players that would obviously include the goalkeeper? Okay, that’s fine.
“Now, what really concerns me about this whole offside thing is what happens to the player who has been caught offside. He’s going to be very upset and I really hope his teammates are there for him.
“Do they all go for some pasta and a glass of wine and just let him cry it out? Or do they spend the afternoon going mental in John Lewis trying on stuff they can’t really afford?”
She added: “If I was caught offside I’d probably just stay in with my best friend and a big tub of Chunky Monkey and stare at Colin Firth’s chin until I cream myself.”
From the vaults:
Female ref books player for not listening