MARTIN O’Neill has quit as manager of Aston Villa after being asked to mould a trophy winning team out of tiny plastic figures who have to be flicked around the pitch.
Villa owner Randy Lerner told O’Neill that there was no money for new signings but that he had picked up the 1994 Brazil squad on Amazon for Â£14.99.
O’Neill said: “I was excited at first, though I was concerned that perhaps Bebeto and Romario would be past their best.
“But my fears were entirely misplaced because they turned out to be 12mm high and glued to a little rounded base.”
He added: “That said, some of these little plastic fellas are not bad, but in order for them to play to their full potential you would need someone who is really good at Subbuteo and the club just can’t afford that.”
Cash-strapped Villa is set to lose all its star players, as well as its squad players, utility players, reserve players and a really nice lamp from reception.
Meanwhile, local fork lift truck hire firm Uperlif has confirmed interest in the letters ‘s’ and ‘t’ from the club’s name.
Lerner said: “For Â£14.99 I would have been insane not to snap them up.
“World cup winners, still in excellent condition, though the goalkeeper has recently been glued back onto his little stick and I’m just not sure if that’s going it work.
“I’ve also asked the FA to consider changing the size of the regulation football. My new Aon Villa squad is world class but they do need to play with a ball that is roughly the same size as they are.”