Pardew headbutt 'at odds with bland character'

NEWCASTLE boss Alan Pardew’s headbutt on a Hull player was out of keeping with his unexciting personality, it has been claimed.

Supporter Norman Steele said: “It’s not like our Alan at all. These were the actions of a completely different man – an interesting man.

“If someone pisses Pardew off they can usually expect to find some chewing gum stuck on their car door or a couple of pizzas to arrive at their house unexpectedly.

“I’m really hoping he can use this as a springboard and start landing some uppercuts, flying knees and sleeper holds.”

Pardew still has a long way to go before he can be compared to former Ipswich boss Roy Keane, who regularly brought an assault rifle to games and is believed to have killed more than 100,000 opposition players.

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Lent ‘bollocks’

LENT is bollocks, it has been confirmed.

As millions began a six-week period of self-denial, experts stressed it was stupid and wrong.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “Maybe you think self-denial is ‘good for the soul’. Try saying that out loud, just to see how it sounds.

“Or perhaps you think six weeks of abstinence will make you live longer. Your skull is so full of bollocks they’re coming out of your nose.

“Or, as I strongly suspect, you’re just doing it to provide yet another opening gambit for one of your ‘conversations’.

“So, in summary, shut up about Lent.”