PE lessons to focus on snooker and darts

SCHOOL sports lessons are to move away from more ‘physical’ activities to focus on darts and snooker.

A government spokesman said: “As recent TV coverage proves, these are games we can actually win at.

“For years we have been pushing football and cricket, which we as a nation cannot play competently, when we should have been looking at the slower indoor games that are steeped in our indigenous drinking culture.

“What young lad doesn’t look at Jimmy White without wanting his living legend status, shiny hair and interesting complexion?”

12-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “At first I didn’t like it when they built a massive pub on the football pitch. It seemed very dark in there, with lots of old men coughing.

“But actually darts and snooker are really good, and because you don’t really sweat there’s no need for a humiliating group shower afterwards.”

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Richest one per cent own 98 per cent of ridiculous gaudy shit

THE world’s super-rich own almost all of the world’s hideous fancy things, it has emerged.

Researchers found that ‘the one per cent’ have stockpiled virtually all of the massive watches made of emeralds, stupid flashy cars and mansions done out like brothels.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The weird thing about the super rich is that all their stuff looks like it came from Swindon market, except it’s actually solid gold.”

He highlighted the Alpha5000 Omnicron, a watch made from gems the size of chestnuts with pointless dials all over them, and those sports cars that look like they can turn into robots.

“The stuff of the super-rich really is horrible, as befits their vile personalities. It is unbelievably expensive but has absolutely zero intrinsic worth.”

Unemployed Roy Hobbs said: “As a poor person my only outlet for my hideous taste is sticking Christmas lights all over my house. Rest assured though, if I were wealthy I would have the biggest, shiniest fucking watch you have ever seen.”