Poet Laureate Unveils Ode To Chelsea's 4-3-3 Formation

POET Laureate Carol Ann Duffy has penned a poetic tribute to Chelsea's favoured 4-3-3 formation without being asked.

Entitled The Blue Storm, the appalling 16-line composition is a literary exploration of the current Chelsea line-up, littered with the usual catalogue of ill-informed female gibberish.

Duffy's poem opens with the lines "Attackers defend from the front, with midfielders, the ball, delaying, Drogba and Anelka are in there somewhere, And little Joe Cole, if he's playing."

She then references 'Mourinho's mighty men of mud', three years after the Portuguese coach left the club and goes on to suggest Chelsea sign Jimmy Muir to play in goal, a move dismissed by manager Carlo Ancelotti because Muir is a striker, 50 years old and a fictional character portrayed by Sean Bean in the film When Saturday Comes.

Poetry analyst, Julian Cook, said: "The worlds of serious literature and football seldom collide –  the only notable exceptions being Albert Camus and Neil Ruddock's Hell Razor.

"Ms Duffy's poem is the literary equivalent of Titus Bramble trying to untie a reef knot with his feet."

He added: "Perhaps she should stick to more traditional, feminine subjects like unrequited love or the heftiness of one's menstrual flow."

The Blue Storm follows Duffy's recent poem on the new 'essentials' range at Waitrose and a 12 verse limerick on which characters should be axed in Hollyoaks which led to her being hailed by the Times Literary Supplement as a 'polysyllabic version of Take a Break'.

On receiving her official copy of the new poem the Queen thanked Ms Duffy before having her arrested by the Grenadier Guards and deported to Glasgow.


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Organic Shoppers Rewarded With Right To Commit Evil

SHOPPERS are being offered the chance to use ethical purchases to 'offset' acts of unspeakable foulness.

The Eco-Path project aims to encourage consumers to shop sustainably in exchange for the legal right to indulge their darkest and most demented urges.

Shoppers will be granted an Eco-path 'offset certificate' allowing them to commit an evil deed, the depravity of which is linked to the amount they spend on organic vegetables and useless, vole-friendly washing up liquid.

The proposed tariff includes:

£5-£10: kick an indigenous amphibian or minor rodent

£10-£20: burn down a pensioner's shed

£20-£35: push a small child off a swing

£35-£75: moderate torture (waterboarding, genital electricity, ant-pants)

£75+: do a murder

A government spokesman said: "We're all keen to help save the world, provided we don't have to put ourselves out in any way whatsoever.

"Eco-Path encourages consumers to think about things like food miles, while simultaneously giving them an outlet for those atavistic urges that bubble beneath the surface of every one of us like a black, Satanic ooze."

Ethical shopper Nikki Hollis said: "When I go to Waitrose I like to buy the products bearing a picture of a smiling, ruddy-faced farmer in a cable knit jumper because I'm an amazing person.

"However I also want to drive my electric car back and forth over my neighbour's head, crushing it like an overripe melon. So this sounds ideal."