ADMINISTRATORS at Portsmouth FC are to sell off the club's FA Cup final places to the highest bidder.
Prices start at £8.50 for the chance to sit on the bench as a reserve goalkeeper wondering exactly what David James has to do before you get a game
For £25 the winning bidder will take the place of manager Avram Grant, including the chance to spend the second half flicking through the jobs section of the Portsmouth Advertiser and reeking of Thai massage therapist.
Aston Villa's Emile Heskey was among the first to register an early bid of £18 for the position of centre forward.
He said: "It's always been my dream to be in the final of a competition other than Footballer Of The Year Most Likely To Fall Over And Bundle The Ball Into Touch Whilst Still In The Changing Room."
Heskey will place any subsequent bids by phone as organisers fear that if raises his hand during the auction it would almost certainly start a chain reaction which would end with him toppling head-first into a collection of Ming vases.
Administrator Martin Bishop said: "This is a fantastic opportunity to take your place among a team that has for much of the season consisted mainly of amputated body parts and bruised fruit.
"I'm sure a Portsmouth-Chelsea cup final will be a thrilling, visceral occasion – much like watching a pack of hyenas devour the last remaining shreds of an elderly, bankrupt gazelle."