Portsmouth Cup Final Spots To Be Auctioned

ADMINISTRATORS at Portsmouth FC are to sell off the club's FA Cup final places to the highest bidder.

Prices start at £8.50 for the chance to sit on the bench as a reserve goalkeeper wondering exactly what David James has to do before you get a game

For £25 the winning bidder will take the place of manager Avram Grant, including the chance to spend the second half flicking through the jobs section of the Portsmouth Advertiser and reeking of Thai massage therapist.

Aston Villa's Emile Heskey was among the first to register an early bid of £18 for the position of centre forward.

He said: "It's always been my dream to be in the final of a competition other than Footballer Of The Year Most Likely To Fall Over And Bundle The Ball Into Touch Whilst Still In The Changing Room."

Heskey will place any subsequent bids by phone as organisers fear that if raises his hand during the auction it would almost certainly start a chain reaction which would end with him toppling head-first into a collection of Ming vases.

Administrator Martin Bishop said: "This is a fantastic opportunity to take your place among a team that has for much of the season consisted mainly of amputated body parts and bruised fruit.

"I'm sure a Portsmouth-Chelsea cup final will be a thrilling, visceral occasion – much like watching a pack of hyenas devour the last remaining shreds of an elderly, bankrupt gazelle."


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Stop Serving Food That Looks Like A Vagina, Say Customers

RESTAURANTS across Britain are being urged to stop serving food that looks like a lady’s fandango.

According to consumer watchdogs sushi bars are the worst culprits, followed closely by pizza restaurants that sell disgustingly explicit, half-open ‘calzone’ pizza wraps, and steak houses where the layout of the surf ‘n turf leaves little to the imagination.

Tom Logan, a food eater from Stevenage, said: “I go to our local sushi restaurant regularly and I’ve ordered the beef tataki dozens of times, but I’d never seen it arranged like this.

“The chef had placed two large slices of rare steak up against each other and had stuck the decorative king-prawn at the top, poking out from in between them. It looked like some sort of fried clitoris with eyes.”

He added: “I was eating with my wife and her elderly grandfather at the time, and he kept dropping the prawn in between the slices of meat. Watching him repeatedly try and fish it out with the little chopsticks made me physically retch at the table. I honestly didn’t know where to look.”

Bill McKay, from Doncaster, said: “It was the first date for Sue and I. We’d only spoken on Ebay a couple of times after the guinea-pig I sold her died in the post.

“I tried to play it safe and order the pan-fried chicken quim with a tomato and clam sauce. But when it turned up it was absolutely outrageous. There was no place I could really start cutting into it that wouldn’t have made me look like a total psychopath.”

However, restaurant owners insist consumer demand for snatch-like food has increased thanks to popular TV cookery shows such as Delia Smith’s How To Make Food Look More Like a Fanny.