Labour Manifesto Pledges Really Confusing Thing About Schools

LABOUR unveiled its manifesto today with a bold pledge to do something really complicated and confusing with the education system.

Labour leader Gordon Brown said parents would no longer have to put up with their child being stupid and lazy and that failing schools could be taken over by NHS trusts or possibly the local fire brigade, especially if they are not on fire.

Mr Brown said: "If a school is found to be producing stupid children we will begin a process whereby the parents can claim special points using their Nectar cards.

"When they reach 1000 points they will have the right to exchange them for a new chief constable, an old-fashioned matron or, if the school is on fire, they can use them to rent a bucket."

Under Labour's plans schools will become not-for-profit accident and emergency departments, hospitals will be granted academy status and all complaints against the police will be made into an elaborate quilt which must then be hung over the door of the local library.

Mr Brown insisted: "Healthcare must be provided on a personal basis. You should be able to go to the doctor and be treated for the thing that is wrong with you rather than the thing that is wrong with someone else.

"And if you can't you should be able to vote that doctor out at a by-election organised by a faith-based mountain rescue service."

He added: "Every citizen will have a guaranteed legal right to the highest quality public services. Of course no-one knows how that can possibly be enforced, but that's what makes it all so exciting."

The manifesto also includes a pledge to restrict VAT increases to things you actually need and a promise to force English people to speak English.



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Tories Offer NHS Chiefs £50 To Kill Cancer Patients

NHS managers who help the Tories kill cancer patients will get £50 a corpse and a full set of gourmet saucepans.

Under the plan, health service executives will sneak back into their offices in the middle of the night and change computer records so that people with some of Britain’s biggest cancers are treated for athlete’s foot and uncomfortable knees.

For NHS chiefs unable to work a computer, the Tories suggest injecting Fairy Liquid directly into the patient’s heart or forcing their head into a bowl of soup.

The scheme, uncovered by a Guardian reporter who read a Labour Party election leaflet, will offer cash bonuses as well as a choice of French-made copper pans, a jacuzzi bath or a pool table.

editor, Peter Mandelson, said the scheme proved the Tories were still ‘the same old murderers’  adding: “Thank goodness the Labour Party had the granite-like courage to produce this devastating document and send it to tough cancer patients in brave marginal seats.”

The Tories stressed they had no plans to actively kill people, but admitted there may be a 12-month freeze on NHS treatment for patients who are not particularly important such as the confused elderly, the insolent poor and the Scottish.

Meanwhile the Tory policy is likely to stoke anger against the NHS chiefs who tricked the Labour government into giving them a 7% pay rise last year.

Health secretary Andy Burnham said: “One of them told me his great aunt was very sick and needed an operation, but she would have to go to America because his local NHS trust had ran out of money. What was I supposed to do?”