Premier League fantasising about moving abroad

THE Premier League is talking about upping sticks and starting a new life in America.

America has a better class of mascot

Despite a successful life and career in the land of its birth, the league has told friends it feels stuck in a rut and is anxious to have one big adventure before it gets too old or decides to have children.

A Premier League spokesman said: “I think moving to the States would really get us out of our comfort zone and make us discover who we really are. It’d be just like Eat Pray Love.

“We could probably sleep on Major League Soccer’s sofa for a few weeks while we get sorted out, and after that, who knows?

“The food portion sizes are massive and we’d probably make more money there too.

“We’d be considered classy eccentrics, like the sporting behemoth equivalent of a young Hugh Grant.”

Tom Logan, a long-time follower of the Premier League, said: “This happens every few years.

“A while ago it was taking Spanish lessons. Before that it was talking about travelling the world in a sailboat.

“Give it six months and they’ll have moved on to buying a second home in Dubai.”

Logan added that the Premier League would never actually move to America, as there’s no way it could survive without Sky Sports.

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Double Gloucester wins Nobel Prize for Cheese

BRITAIN’S Double Gloucester has won the highest accolade in the world of coagulated milk protein.

The cheese was awarded the Nobel Prize for ‘creating a paradigm shift in what it means to be semi-hard’.

The prize, which comes with a cheque for $1m, is decided by a secret jury of Scandinavian professors. It is not awarded every year, becomes sometimes all the cheeses are rubbish.

Double Gloucester said: “My name is on the prize, but it’s not just about me. It’s also about cows. Cheese begins and ends with cows. Or goats, or possibly even sheep if you’re an attention-seeking nightmare.

“I’m not hard, but I’m not soft. That’s not ‘fate’, that’s not ‘magic’. There is no ‘Cheese God’.”

Double Gloucester said it hoped the Nobel recognition would inspire innovative young British cheeses such as Wetherby Tickle, Norfolk Blue Fudge and Cornish Scowl.