Premier League fixtures let Man Utd fan know when he'll be angry

THE release of 2019-20’s Premier League fixtures means a Manchester United supporter can diarise when he will be a complete nightmare to be around.

Wayne Hayes, aged 35, has begun pencilling in the numerous weekends of the year that he will be consumed by rage, plunged into depression or, in rare cases, suffused with joy.

He said: “I’ve largely outsourced my emotional wellbeing to around 25 multi-millionaires, some of which may suddenly become the enemy. It’s better than managing it myself.

“For example, I’ve got October 19th blocked off because we’re getting beaten by Liverpool that day, and I’ll spend the evening sobbing in the wardrobe with a bottle of Malibu.

“We’ll be stomped flat by City early December so I’ve cried off the Christmas do in advance, because I’ll be a cauldron of simmering rage and I don’t need another written warning for headbutting Jason from auditing.

“In contrast from March on, when we’re definitively knocked out of the Champions League places and only play shit teams, I’ll be quite relaxed in my despondency. Only a fucking game, eh?”

Wife Joanna Hayes said: “It’s only 38 weekends of the year, plus most midweeks. The rest of the year Wayne is a pleasure to be around.”

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Man ruins perfectly nice evening by getting a round of shots in

A 30-YEAR-OLD man totally messed up a pleasant evening in the pub by buying tequila slammers, it has emerged.

Martin Bishop purchased the drinks despite nobody actually asking for or wanting a shot of the unpleasant spirit invented by Mexican peasants to escape the misery of daily life.

Co-worker Emma Bradford said: “We were having a lovely time chatting over a few beers and having a fun argument about Killing Eve when all of a sudden Martin came over with a tray of tequilas.

“Nobody wanted shots, nobody even likes shots, but we were all forced to drink them because it would have been rude not to. Unfortunately it made Dan and Gavin a bit over-excited and they went to get some more.

“The next thing we knew we were in some horrible club dancing to Stormzy and drinking blue stuff out of a bottle until 3am. I have no idea how I got home but I do vaguely remember being sick into a pint glass.

“We only went out for a pint after work. Now I would quite like to die. Thanks, Martin.”