Premier League teams staying in America

THE Premier League clubs touring the USA have informed their fans they prefer it over there and they’re not coming back.

Likes the idea of owning a handgun

Manchester United, Manchester City, Liverpool and Arsenal have put their British stadiums on the market after finding themselves unable to face returning home.

United manager Louis van Gaal said: “The overcrowding in England is ridiculous. Manchester United and Manchester City are two of the biggest clubs in the world but they are crammed into a single city like penniless house-sharing students.

“Over here there is room for a team to breathe.”

United and Liverpool already have dual citizenship because they’re US-owned, City have applied for a visa and Arsenal are lining up a green card marriage to San Jose Earthquakes.

The teams’ players have welcomed the move, though they have asked that strip clubs create a special Soccer Night to prevent NFL and NBA players making them look like tiny dicks.

Liverpool manager Brendan Rogers said: “English fans sneer at Major League Soccer, but you can’t say with a straight face that a club from New York is lesser than one from Swansea.

“Plus they don’t have relegation over here, so nobody would ever have to play Leeds ever again. It’s worth it just for that.”

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Salmond advised against micro-kilt

ALEX Salmond’s advisors are split on how much thigh he should reveal for Tuesday’s televised debate.

The jowly demagogue hoped to woo voters with a micro-kilt, but the plan has been thrown into doubt after focus groups reacted with horror to close-ups of his spider veins.

‘Yes’ campaigner Carolyn Ryan said: “Alex is proud of his tiny kilt, and even prouder of his toned and tanned buttocks.

“But we want the public to focus on our core message of freedom and prosperity, not Alex’s beefy quads.”

The Better Together campaign has been spooked by Salmond’s plans to use his sexuality, and will send Alistair Darling onstage wearing a pair of Union Jack budgie-smugglers.