SATURDAY’S football fixtures will go ahead after police agreed to issue every spectator with a riot shield and a stick.
Britain is set to have the largest standing militia in the world as football fans are given temporary powers to detain, question and perhaps give a bit of shoe behind a big wheelie bin.
Meanwhile pubs in suspected trouble spots will be given late licences to ensure a steady supply of thirst quenching cold dinks and keep the new ‘special constables’ in the right frame of mind.
Chief Inspector Roy Hobbs said: “We have millions of able-bodied men deploying themselves to major towns and cities of their own free will, so it makes sense to exploit their natural instincts and call it riot control.
“We’ll just tell them the rioters have said something rude about their goalkeeper, or whatever it is that normally gets them all worked up. And we’ll also tell them that they’re all Man United fans to give their baton swing that extra dash of brio.”
After the riots have been surpressed the police will ‘de-activate’ the football fans using mobile cafes selling valium-laced meat pies.
Carlisle United fan Wayne Hayes said: “We’re off down to Bury on Saturday and I can’t wait to have a few drinks, watch my beloved team face a tricky away game against the newly-promoted side, strap on my helmet and my shield and go absolutely fucking crackers in the town centre until three in the morning.
“It makes me proud to think I’ll be doing my bit to make Britain’s streets safe until the following Saturday when the police will be needed to protect everyone else from me again.
“Just like things used to be.”