Rodgers asks for season to end now

BRENDAN Rodgers has asked the FA whether they can call the league quits while his team are in the top four.

The Liverpool manager hopes to qualify for Champion’s League football before the inevitable collapse in the forthcoming months sees them finish just above Sunderland.

Rodgers said: “We’ve no major injuries, we’ve not conceded any goals and none of the players has started a race riot so it seems a shame to spoil things by letting the season continue.

“Ending the season today will also see Newcastle, Crystal Palace and Swansea relegated, saving everybody nine months before that probably happens anyway.”

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Television binge plans ruined by good weather

MILLIONS of Britons were left unable to view their favourite American TV dramas due to fine weather over the bank holiday weekend.

An estimated quarter of the population had set aside three days for the binge consumption of high quality scripted entertainment.

But clear skies and mid-twenties temperatures forced them to undertake family outings and futile social engagements.

Landscape gardener Tom Booker said: “I was hopeful of watching Sons of Anarchy in its entirety, pausing only to perform essential bodily functions.

“The forecast was positive, with a heavy emphasis on wind and rain that would have made travelling to a coastal destination with my family unviable.

“Then the skies cleared. What’s up with this bloody country?”

Pressure is now building on David Cameron to declare a public holiday to allow the people of the UK to get their Sky+ under control.

Nikki Hollis of Southampton said: “I recently acquired the box set of Fringe. The excellence of the series is such that without extra time off I’ll be forced to stay up until 2am every night this week and be knackered at work.

“I’m an air traffic controller, so you don’t want that.”

Media analyst Julian Cook said: “The shows themselves might be American, but the stars are all British because Yanks derive a cruel amusement from watching Shakespearean actors say bullshit dialogue in OTT accents. That makes them vital to the UK economy.

“And if people can’t immerse themselves in TV drama, they’ll give up on them and, who knows, might accidentally catch the news. That would be a massive vote-loser for the Conservatives.”