Rooney 'still has hunger'

WAYNE Rooney has hit back at criticism of modern English footballers, saying he still has a massive appetite.

Rooney says that remarks levelled by Patrick Vieira have only served to fuel his hunger for delicious food.

He went on to cite jam tarts, trifle and Greggs’ Yum Yums as giving him the motivation and the desire to get up every morning, as well as to get up in the middle of the night when feeling peckish.

Rooney’s former colleague Gary Neville said, “What makes Rooney such a big player is that he really wants to lift silverware, especially if it’s a tray laden with fondant fancies.

“The mark of a truly great centre forward is the ability to finish, to put it away, and I’ve seen Wayne swallow a whole Swiss roll without it even touching the sides.”

Neville said that he was confident that within the next three years, Rooney could become Britain’s first 30 stone player.

Rooney also spoke about his love of football: “They give you oranges at half time.

“They have to be Terry’s chocolate oranges, mind. Otherwise I go into a massive sulk in the second half and get sent off.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’re looking forward to the first album by Dizzee Rascal since he got his inner-ear problem seen to and became simply ‘Rascal’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
When I want your opinion, I will get in touch with you and ask you ‘Could you let me know what your opinion on this is?’

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If your date reads Robin Ince blogs and likes saying how much of a ‘science geek’ she is, why not take her for a hands-on trip to your local vivisectionist?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It has got to the point that you’re trying to hold on to so many grudges that you decide you need some kind of stand or rack for them.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After buying a dehumidifier this week, your flat is finally lovely and dehumid.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
As you prepare to go to the Star Trek convention this week, remember that the present tense of William Shatner is William Shitner.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After getting annoyed about the media deliberately picking footage of Jimmy Savile where he looks like a massive nonce, it dawns on you that that might be the only kind of Jimmy Savile footage.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
The debate about when to use ‘less’ rather than ‘fewer’ has passed you by, more or fewer.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Remember the old saying “Many hands not only make light work, they also make for a sensational tug-job.”

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week, why not pretend you have an anti-establishment attitude by saying “We’re all in this together, right? Right?” whenever somebody mentions the latest governmental atrocity.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After spending the last few days on the phone to your insurance company, you decide to do something more fun instead and go to Bangkok to watch your mum turn tricks in a mixed-sex prison.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You would genuinely like to see your ex happy, if for no other reason than that it would be a first.