SLOVENIA'S Bostjan Cesar has been banned for life from football after allowing himself to be stabbed by Wayne Rooney.
The England striker knifed Cesar after he reached past him in the players' lounge for some peanuts. CCTV footage shows him nearly nudging Rooney, prompting the Utd player to go to his car for a Stanley knife.
Rooney said last night: "I'm dead honest, me, so if I say he needed stabbing you'd berra fuckin' believe me, right?
"I know the police do a dead difficult job so I was made up when they arrested him for coming anywhere near me."
The England team were celebrating their meaningless win in the meaningless match of their meaningless sport when the stabbing occurred.
UEFA president Michel Platini said: "This is entirely consistent with our arbitrary decision making process. Tomorrow we may decide Cesar has to play six games wearing a top hat. It's all just one big adventure."
But the celebrations were tempered by news that Emile Heskey had been humanely destroyed. The striker struggled to make his way around the pitch before being shot by a qualified marksman and turned into Whiskas.
England fan Charlie Reeves, said: "Watching him stumble about the place, getting in people's way, it was horrible. Even the Slovenians thought it was cruel and they throw dogs off bridges and stuff, don't they?"