Spurs carry out controlled implosion of season

TOTTENHAM Hotspur demolished their season at St James’ Park yesterday.

Following reports of something resembling optimism among supporters, the club dispatched its 11-man hope-disposal squad to lay down on the Newcastle pitch.

Manager Mauricio Pochettino said: “The main thing is that no Arsenal fan’s pride was hurt and we managed to get our fans out of the stadium as quickly and quietly as possible.

“I’d also like to thank the players for ending the season in such a calmly inept manner.”

It has been confirmed the suspiciously high level of optimism had been left behind in February as part of a training exercise in winning the league.

Questions are now being asked as to how it could have stayed in people’s minds for this long unnoticed.


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Six-year-old taken on term-time holiday will never catch up on colouring


A SIX-YEAR-OLD girl taken on holiday during the school term will be a week behind in colouring for the rest of her life, teachers have confirmed. 

Eleanor Shaw, who was taken out of school for a week in Malta, has permanently fallen behind her classmates in colouring, hula-hooping and imagining what job a meerkat could have.

Teacher Joanna Kramer said: “It’s tragic to see such a bright girl have her academic career ruined forever.

“Sadly this isn’t the first time. I’ve seen pupils struggle for years to recover from a two-week break in Florida, aged 18 still unable to keep their colouring within the lines while their classmates do so effortlessly.

“Their shame, and the bullying they receive, means they inevitably give up on education and take low-waged jobs in the chicken debeaking industry or turn to petty crime.

“It breaks my heart. And we were going to watch Minions this afternoon while I tidied up the craft corner.

“If only these parents would recognise how vital school is.”

Shaw said: “I came back, and found I’d missed smelly Rowan falling over in the playground while everyone called him a poo-bum.

“My life is basically over.”