Stephen Hendry to go outside

SNOOKER legend Stephen Hendry has revealed plans to venture outdoors for the first time in his adult life.

The seven-time world champion was raised by umpires after being abandoned as a baby on the fire escape of a snooker hall.

Since then he used underground sewer tunnels to travel between match venues before finally retiring to a makeshift dwelling underneath a snooker table.

“The snooker authorities tell me I have earned my freedom. Now I may go beyond the doors, where I understand my winnings can be exchanged for clothes, food and even a house.”

Hendry admitted feeling a mixture of excitement and trepidation about his planned  venture into ‘Skyland’: “They say the sky is as blue as the blue ball and fields as green as the green ball. A floor not coated in a dull grey carpet but with a material called ‘stone’.

“I am especially interested to discover flowers, which I understand smell of something other than decades-old cigarette smoke.”

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Keytars to be allowed in prisons

THE ban on musical instruments in prison does not include cool synths, it has been confirmed.

Chris Grayling MP, a former member of Ultravox, confirmed there is no ban on Moog synthesisers, keytars, drum machines or the theremin.

He said: “The majority of inmates are either violent offenders or people who feel they have been treated badly by society, so give them guitars and you get either predictable cock-rock or whining indie miserablism.

“After almost six decades of jailhouse rock with no effect on rehabilitation we’re taking another approach.”

Under new rules, prisoners forming synth-pop bands, rave collectives or embarking on the creation of epic ambient soundscapes may be allowed out on tour.

Pentonville inmate Tom Booker said: “You can’t walk down C-Block without hearing an innovative take on the Bronski Beat sound these days.

“Every cell has one bloke banging on the bars and shouting while the other one stands silent and menacing in the shadows, just like the Pet Shop Boys.

“We could do with some expert help, though – six lads have been blinded trying to learn Jean Michel Jarre’s laser harp – so I’ve arranged for a mate on the outside to frame Vince Clarke for murder.”