Sunderland in dazzling display of no-touch football

SUNDERLAND wowed fans with their unique brand of no-touch football during a 4-0 home defeat to Aston Villa.

While Villa’s players employed a more traditional style, often taking multiple touches and then passing, their opponents trialled a groundbreaking tactic, deftly avoiding any contact with the ball for the entire match.

Fans said they were honoured to witness the evolution of a new style of play which takes Spanish ‘tiki-taka’ one-touch football to the next logical step.

Sunderland fan Tom Logan said: “Even when it would’ve been easy to take control of the ball and dribble it up the pitch or find a short pass, the Sunderland players stayed well out the way. It was masterful.”

By the end of the game the devastating tactical masterclass had taken its toll on the Villa players who could only seek scant consolation in their four measly goals.

Sunderland manager Gus Poyet said: “It’s more than just not making contact with the ball. It’s the feeble lunges, the desperate shouting and the placing of hands on hips.”

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People seeing Putin everywhere

VLADIMIR Putin sightings have surged in the last 48 hours.

After the Russian president disappeared, witnesses claim to have seen him selling DVDs from a van in Carlisle, married to a voodoo princess in New Orleans and organising penguins near the UK Antarctic Research Centre.

Putinologist Wayne Hayes said: “The Putin is a cipher, a construct of our subconscious, representing our innate desire for sexual experimentation.

“Meanwhile, in Russia, he is elected with a 100% majority because voting for Putin is the only way to stop him appearing under your bed every night, murmuring threats.”

Investigators are also examining a mass sighting in Italy, where an entire village claims to have seen him inside their fridge on the same morning, punching their butter.

The Kremlin has dismissed the sightings, claiming Putin has been immersed in an epic wrestling match with a black bear which he will subsequently ravish.