Tactical Genius Pockets £15m For Seven Months Work

LUIZ Philipe Scolari has once again demonstrated his tactical genius after pocketing £15m for just seven months work.

Following his dismissal by Chelsea, Scolari stressed that while his former rivals were getting up and going to work every day, he would walk away with enough money to build his own pirate ship.

He said: "Winning football matches when you have 11 Brazilians in your team is not particularly difficult. My main task was ensuring the bus driver knew the way to the stadium.

"The tactical genius was parlaying that skill as a bus driver's assistant into a win or lose contract worth £15 million.

"Pro-rata that's more than Paul McCartney. I'm not quite up there with Tom Cruise, but there's always the Arab chap at Man City."
Scolari said he would use some of the money to fulfill his long-held fantasy of pretending to be Gene Hackman for a day.

He added: "I will spend the morning dressed as Lex Luthor, firing a missile at the San Andreas fault while shouting 'Miss Tessmacher!' every five minutes.

"And in the afternoon I will command a submarine and attempt to start World War III until Denzel Washington locks me in the toilet. I'm really looking forward to it."

Meanwhile Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson was under observation last night after rupturing something again.

An Old Trafford spokesman said: "Chelsea have got to sort themselves out or he's going to end up with a hernia the size of a peach."

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Britain Urged To Find New Reserves Of Spunk

AS the country faces a fresh wave of Arctic blizzards, Britain is being urged to tap into its massive spunk reserves.

A series of campaigns will seek to raise the nation's spirits and encourage communities to come together in an effort to boost each other's spunk levels.

Meanwhile the Daily Mail is giving away a series of spunk-inducing DVDs including Tenko, The Great Escape and This Happy Breed starring John Mills and Celia Johnson.

Editor Paul Dacre said: "When I see Charles Bronson stripped to the waist and digging that big tunnel I feel so spunky I could burst."

Meanwhile, as health secretary Alan Johnson offered to dance away the snow and ice, the government has unveiled its new pro-spunk campaign with the slogan 'Think Spunk!'.

Labour's deputy leader Harriet Harman said: "When we find ourselves up against not only a global recession but also the cruel forces of nature, we must find it within ourselves to spunk in the face of adversity."

A spokesman later clarified the minister's remarks, adding: "What she meant to say was 'show spunk in the face of adversity'. The minister did not deliberately use spunk as a verb.

"However, if you decide to use spunk as a verb, rather than an abstract noun, then do please try to direct it onto untreated roads and pavements."