Tennis not for 'poofs' after all, says Scotland

SCOTLAND has revised its opinion of whether tennis is for ‘poofs’, it has emerged.

Scots place great stock in masculinity, and much of their cultural identity is based around a list of ‘poofy things’ which was first carved into a slab of butter tablet by William Wallace in 1297, and is now kept in a locked vault beneath Holyrood.

The list had not been updated since 1953, when ‘salad’ was added. But Andrew Murray’s US Open victory has triggered the removal of ‘fuckin’ tennis’ from the list.

Keeper of the Tablet Roy Hobbs said: “Tennis is a man’s game, when you think about it. They hit the ball with real hostility and you have to respect that.

“We’re prepared to overlook the fact that they sometimes eat fruit on the court, although ideally the bananas would be replaced with some sort of thrice-fried bap.

“It makes your heart swell to see that brave Murray lad head out to do battle, carrying his heavy racquet bag. If only there were some sort of pipe attached to it that he were blowing into, playing a tuneless dirge, but you can’t have everything.”

Still on the tablet list are the cornerstones of ‘poofiness’ – the English, the Conservative party and coats.

Sociologist Nikki Hollis said: “In fairness Scotland is becoming more enlightened and it is now mostly safe to eat ‘colourful’ food – ie thing that are not beige – in public places.”



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Zuckerberg warns staff to stay off Facebook

FACEBOOK’S business woes are the result of its staff wasting time on their own website, it has emerged.

Mark Zuckerberg admitted his designers and programmers have been spending up to six hours a day liking photos, playing Words With Friends and deleting embarrassing entries from their Timelines.

He said: “Some days I want to kill whoever invented Facebook.  Then I remember it was me, and I have to roll around in my money pile until I calm down.”

In an email entitled ‘Stop fucking poking me’ Mr Zuckerberg wrote: “If staff wasting time was a Facebook post, I would not ‘Like’ it.

“If you do have to go on the site, at least click on some adverts.

“Literally no one is clicking on the fucking ads.”

Mr Zuckerberg has tried, without success, persuading his staff to log out by flooding their news feeds with baby photos and paying their parents to sign up.

Social media addiction counsellor Roy Hobbs said: “They’re breaking the number one rule – don’t get high on your own supply.”

The markets have remained unimpressed by Zuckerberg’s efforts, despite reports that Facebook staff are expecting a bumper harvest on Farmville.

In contrast, staff in the offices of Google+ are achieving record productivity.