Tevez turns over a new suspension

CARLOS Tevez has vowed to get back to being an utter tool for his club, it emerged last night.

Tevez's morning snack made him drowsy

As the deer-scaring striker missed turning up for training by approximately 7,000 miles, his handler has promised fans that he will soon be back to his not-doing-anything best.

Troll wrangler Roy Hobbs said: “I slung a couple of piglets into his pen an hour ago, so he’ll be sleeping now, but I’d say he’s at 90% ‘saying how much I miss home’ fitness and will be banging in the pathetic self-justifications in no time.

 “With basket cases like Mario Balotelli in the team he knows he’s no longer an automatic first choice for being screamed at, but he’s shown that he can completely fail to do what’s asked of him at the highest level.”

Tevez claimed he got on a bus marked ‘Carrington’ that turned out to be a shuttle service for Manchester airport and before he knew it he was 30,000 feet over the Atlantic having a shiatsu massage.

He also claimed he tried several times to contact manager Roberto Mancini to explain his absence but forgot where he’d put his phone, what a phone looks like or how to say the word ‘phone’ so he could borrow somebody else’s.

The club will now decide what punishment to dish out to the Middle Earth-dweller, with the PFA advising their options range from fining him the equivalent of one week’s worth of Bentley wax or forcing him to not play when he had no intention of doing so anyway.

Hobbs said: “Whatever City decide, he will petulantly claim his human rights are being abused like the true professional he is.”