TWITTER has told the hundreds of professional footballers on the site to piss up a rope.
The bollocks aggregator has been asked to explain its comments to the footballers, who insist they were simply writing series of vowels and consonants interspersed with the occasional exclamation mark.
By midnight the majority of footballers had deleted their accounts and were being fanned gently by a spouse, girlfriend or teenage glamour model in a Travelodge.
Twitterist Tom Logan said: I was just telling Ricky Gervais what a ledge he was for his mong jokes when Twitter came on and told Ashley Cole to push his iPhone into his brain.
Within a few minutes itd told Joey Barton he wouldnt understand a Nietzsche quote if somebody spelled it out with sticklebricks and suggested Wayne Rooney stop feeding the starfish on top of his head.
I was disgusted. Im not used to hearing that kind of thing unless Ive written it about a celebrity whos disappointed me by not making career choices I agree with.
Complaints have flooded in from people who have not ventured very far into the internet and Twitter has taken down every single offensive, abusive or idiotic comment made on the site by anybody.
All that remains is a single tweet made two years ago by Wayne Hayes of Carlisle asking whatever happened to Babylon Zoo.