Twitter tells footballers to piss off

TWITTER has told the hundreds of professional footballers on the site to piss up a rope.

The bollocks aggregator has been asked to explain its comments to the footballers, who insist they were simply writing series of vowels and consonants interspersed with the occasional exclamation mark.

By midnight the majority of footballers had deleted their accounts and were being fanned gently by a spouse, girlfriend or teenage glamour model in a Travelodge.

Twitterist Tom Logan said: “I was just telling Ricky Gervais what a ledge he was for his mong jokes when Twitter came on and told Ashley Cole to push his iPhone into his brain.

“Within a few minutes it’d told Joey Barton he wouldn’t understand a Nietzsche quote if somebody spelled it out with sticklebricks and suggested Wayne Rooney stop feeding the starfish on top of his head.

“I was disgusted. I’m not used to hearing that kind of thing unless I’ve written it about a celebrity who’s disappointed me by not making career choices I agree with.”

Complaints have flooded in from people who have not ventured very far into the internet and Twitter has taken down every single offensive, abusive or idiotic comment made on the site by anybody.

All that remains is a single tweet made two years ago by Wayne Hayes of Carlisle asking whatever happened to Babylon Zoo.



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British Gas prays to God of Snow

BRITISH Gas has composed a prayer to Ullr, the Norse God of Snow.

The energy company is targeting another record-breaking set of profits by combining the powers of the ancient deity with one of its classic pre-winter price hikes.

The prayer reads: “O great Ullr, who vanquishes sun, bring thy vengeance down upon the Britons so that they may turn their thermostats up by at least five degrees.

“With your swift, mighty hand, bring sleet, ice and snow and make an example of those who think they can stop us getting our money.”

The prayer will be chanted each morning by British Gas employees gathered inside the specially built Snow God temples at the company’s facilities across the country.

At the centre of each temple is a vast marble statue of a bearded Ullr crushing an old lady under his massive, frosty boot.

A British Gas spokesman said: “We’re focusing mainly on Ullr, but our public affairs team is also lobbying the Finnish snow god Heikki Lunta as well as Boreas, ancient Greek God of the Cold North Wind and an unpronounceable Aztec who wipes out harvests with his icy breath.”

He added: “Of course, Ullr is also the God of Skiers. We’ll be doing a lot of skiing this winter. We’d love you to join us but it is very expensive and you do need to pay your gas bill.

“Or we’ll destroy you.”