UK hails most middle class day of sport ever

BRITAIN has enjoyed its most polite day of sport since records began. 

As pleasant people hit a ball around a beautifully maintained bit of lawn, handsome young men took a drive around the Northamptonshire countryside.

Meanwhile Tour de France organisers have been asked whether middle class spectators can follow the peloton on their own bikes with their kids, pointing out interesting plants that they see along the way.

Nice sports fan Nikki Hollis said: “It was lovely to watch well-groomed people exerting themselves in pastimes that don’t involve spitting or telling each other to eff off, like that awful business going on in Brazil.

“Just the sort of thing one wants to have on in the background while reading the Sunday Times.”

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Sex acts are official currency of Magaluf

BLOW jobs are an official unit of currency in Magaluf, it has emerged.

Local resident Tom Booker said: “Anyone here will tell you that a glass of wine costs a blow job, just as a loaf of bread is four hand jobs. My house, for example, is valued at 10 swinging parties and an S & M session.

“I don’t see what all the fuss is about.”

Magaluf’s sex currency was introduced back in the 13th century when the island was part of the Emirate of Cordoba and the system prevails despite residents frequently complaining of sore wrists and locked jaws.

Daily Mail journalist Mary Fisher said: “This shocking lack of foreigner morals makes young female holiday makers vulnerable to exploitation.

“They should stay home and engage in good wholesome pursuits, like reading poorly-written tabloid articles where actresses describe their body anxieties while posing for stilted quasi-lesbian beach shots.”