Villa fans go through previously undiscovered stages of grief

FANS of Aston Villa went through an unprecedented number of grief stages during their 6-0 home defeat yesterday.

After conceding half a dozen goals to a Liverpool side that has recently found football ‘quite awkward’, many Villa fans confirmed they had experienced up to 12 stages of grieving.

Wayne Hayes said: “I went through denial, anger and bargaining very quickly indeed. Meanwhile depression and acceptance now feel like a comfy blanket.

“By the time Liverpool scored their fifth I was in a state I can only describe as ‘inexplicably horny with an undercurrent of wistfulness’, a bit like when you hear Betty Boo on the radio.”

Other stages of Villa grief included ‘frenzied kleptomania’ and ‘hysterical hiccuping’, the latter being a stage psychiatrists can only induce in patients by using LSD and hand puppets.

Hayes said: “Kolo Toure scoring, though. I haven’t felt that bad since I accidentally ran my dog over.”

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Kanye finds time in busy schedule of twattishness to release album

KANYE West has found a window in his schedule of twattery to release some of his music.

West took a short break from his punishing timetable of incoherent arrogance to release The Life of Pablo, which critics said was not as artistically impressive as his ongoing quest to become the perfect twat.

One industry insider said: “Making a modern pop album can take as long as 45 minutes.

“That’s the equivalent of a year to such a committed tosspot. If you’re going to do it, it’s got to be worth the sacrifice.”

But music critic Martin Bishop said: “The album is what you’d expect from someone with a vague grasp of rhythm and the self-awareness of an over-privileged nine year-old.

“Five stars.”