Villa fans go through previously undiscovered stages of grief

FANS of Aston Villa went through an unprecedented number of grief stages during their 6-0 home defeat yesterday.

After conceding half a dozen goals to a Liverpool side that has recently found football ‘quite awkward’, many Villa fans confirmed they had experienced up to 12 stages of grieving.

Wayne Hayes said: “I went through denial, anger and bargaining very quickly indeed. Meanwhile depression and acceptance now feel like a comfy blanket.

“By the time Liverpool scored their fifth I was in a state I can only describe as ‘inexplicably horny with an undercurrent of wistfulness’, a bit like when you hear Betty Boo on the radio.”

Other stages of Villa grief included ‘frenzied kleptomania’ and ‘hysterical hiccuping’, the latter being a stage psychiatrists can only induce in patients by using LSD and hand puppets.

Hayes said: “Kolo Toure scoring, though. I haven’t felt that bad since I accidentally ran my dog over.”