'We're ready to piss on ourselves'

THOUSANDS of determined runners are preparing to urinate in their pants at this weekend’s London Marathon.

As competitors from all over the globe assemble for the marathon, stalwart British competitors say they’ve got no problem pissing down their legs if that’s what it takes.

Professional distance runner Stephen Malley said: “If you want to be a serious competitor, you can’t worry about millions of people around the world seeing a dark wet patch spreading across your groin.

“You’re there to win, whether that means pissing yourself – or even doing a log.”

Five-times marathon veteran Tom Logan said: “I fully embrace the urine-soaked culture of long distance running, and make the pissing part of the fun.

“I direct my stream into the crowd, so that fans can taste my spray as I race past. Sometimes they rub it on themselves for luck.”

The bodily functions aspect of distance running entered the mainstream after Paul Radcliffe was filmed performing an ambiguous mid-race toilet act that has since become known as ‘the Radcliffe Enigma’.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The precise nature of this act remains the subject of academic scrutiny.

“Was it liquid or solid? Well, her shorts never came down and they aren’t very porous so if she did a shit, she would’ve run the final stretch with it squishing around in her pants.

“Medal or no medal, that is rank.”

 

 

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Myspace spots gap in market for old version of Facebook

FORGOTTEN social network Myspace is to stage a comeback by using the version of Facebook that everyone thought was absolutely fine.

Executives spotted a gap in the market after Facebook redesigned itself in a way that makes it virtually unusable.

A spokesman said: “The old Facebook design was so good. It made us look like amateurs. But, as Facebook doesn’t seem to want it anymore, we figured there was no point in letting something that did not need to be changed in any way go to waste.

“We’re just so happy that Facebook has suddenly decided to stop being good at this. Seriously, we’d cleared our desks.”

Industry analysts said the market was surprised at Facebook’s decision to turn itself into a complete and utter mess shortly before its initial public offering, but stressed that it is irrelevant because the company’s value is based on a weird dream where Mark Zuckerberg kills 100 billion chickens.

Martin Bishop, head of bubbles at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “Dot-com valuations have been based on weird dreams since the mid ’90s. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.”

The Myspace spokesman added: “It’ll be like Myspace and Facebook have done a Freaky Friday body-swap. Hey, let’s all share our memories of the original version of Freaky Friday using the Freaky Friday Myspace App.

“You see, we are still incredibly bad at this, but at least the Freaky Friday Myspace App Status Update will not keep moving from one side of the page to the other for absolutely no reason.”