‘We’re ready to piss on ourselves’

THOUSANDS of determined runners are preparing to urinate in their pants at this weekend’s London Marathon.

A seething mass of stinking heroes

As competitors from all over the globe assemble for the marathon, stalwart British competitors say they’ve got no problem pissing down their legs if that’s what it takes.

Professional distance runner Stephen Malley said: “If you want to be a serious competitor, you can’t worry about millions of people around the world seeing a dark wet patch spreading across your groin.

“You’re there to win, whether that means pissing yourself – or even doing a log.”

Five-times marathon veteran Tom Logan said: “I fully embrace the urine-soaked culture of long distance running, and make the pissing part of the fun.

“I direct my stream into the crowd, so that fans can taste my spray as I race past. Sometimes they rub it on themselves for luck.”

The bodily functions aspect of distance running entered the mainstream after Paul Radcliffe was filmed performing an ambiguous mid-race toilet act that has since become known as ‘the Radcliffe Enigma’.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The precise nature of this act remains the subject of academic scrutiny.

“Was it liquid or solid? Well, her shorts never came down and they aren’t very porous so if she did a shit, she would’ve run the final stretch with it squishing around in her pants.

“Medal or no medal, that is rank.”