You’re all really bad at this, says Nadal

RAFAEL Nadal has accused his fellow tennis players of being pathetically bad at playing on clay.

After winning his 60th French Open, the Spaniard stressed it was not that difficult, before questioning his opponents’ basic intelligence and suggesting that they try a bit harder.

He added: “The only time I lose a set on clay is when I’m trying to work out exactly how bad my opponent really is. I been playing against people who claim to professional tennis players. It was like playing against children.”

He added: “I don’t even practice and I still find it incredibly easy. Maybe you’re all a bit dense. Can you not see the ball properly? Are you actually using tennis rackets?

“It’s a puzzle. The only thing I know for certain is that you’re all shit.”

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Daily alcohol limits not really working for us, say drinkers 

RECOMMENDED daily limits on alcohol are really not doing it for us, drinkers have confirmed.

Alcohol enthusiasts across the UK stressed that while the limit may sound reasonable, it is obviously not going to get you sufficiently trousered.

They are now calling on the government to rethink its guidelines or better still, just leave them alone.

Tom Logan, a trainee solicitor from Northampton, said: “They may have confused a safe daily limit with what I like to call ‘lunch’.”

“I manage to do this without bothering anyone else. The worst that happens is an occasional tendency to fall asleep and urinate all over the sofa, but – and I’m sure we’re all agreed – that’s my problem.”

Emma Bishop, a marketing executive from Twickenham, added: “How’s about this? As an adult, I think a reasonable daily limit is me drinking as much as I fucking want.

“If it affects my work I’ll get sacked. If it affects my relationships I’ll be all lonely and sad.

“And following a quick glance at my tax bill I’ve decided the NHS will treat me and the government can keep its fucking opinions to itself.”