The Millwall fan's guide to PC gone mad

WHEN you can’t even boo a peaceful act of solidarity against racism, it’s another win for the PC brigade. Here Millwall fan Steve Malley explains why the country is going to the dogs.

Banning beer on the terraces

You used to be able to enjoy your offensive chants and obscene hand gestures with a pint of lager. But now you can’t drink at your seat and the only beer available is from kiosks up to 20 seconds walk away. Now we’re forced to rush the away fans armed only with a warm cup of Bovril. It’s a disgrace.


I’ve never met a vegan, but it’s just not right, is it? On TV there’s all these vegan meals and recipes which I’m under no obligation to eat but still make me furious for some reason. And don’t get me started on gluten free. It’s evolution in my book – if they can’t digest food, they don’t deserve to be alive.

Women on TV

Look, I’m a reasonable bloke, I don’t mind Nigella, the ladies on Sky Sports News or the good-looking ones who do the weather. But it’s got silly now. The worst are lady football pundits. Why would I listen to an astute female footballer who played in several World Cups when I could have a bloke with four caps for Wales telling me over and over how much they hate VAR?

Two metres 

These days it’s two metres this, two metres that. All because of ‘science’. And who are these scientists? The kids you used to bully at school who were shit at games. I’ll tell you who didn’t stay two metres apart, our brave boys who stormed the beaches at Normandy. People should think about that.

Grayson Perry 

I mean, what even is Grayson Perry? Is he a geezer? Is he a bird? Is he both? He’s so weird I’ve watched all of his series twice and bought tickets to his exhibition. I just don’t understand why he’s allowed on air making me question my fragile masculinity. And he’s not even a poof.

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New Apple headphones block out people laughing at you

APPLE’S new AirPods Max headphones are capable of blocking out people laughing at you for paying £549 for them, it has emerged.

The overpriced headphones contain revolutionary new mockery-cancelling technology that is capable of drowning out the hooting of strangers and friends.

AirPods Max wearer Tom Logan said: “At first I thought they looked ridiculous and were a rip-off. For the eye-watering price you could almost afford an iPhone 12.

“But when I slipped them over my ears the cutting remarks of my family simply drifted away. I’ve been waiting years for someone to invent something that could do that.

“I can still see them pointing at me in hysterics with tears rolling down their laughing faces, and thanks to my new lip-reading skills I know my wife’s calling me an early-adopting idiot, so they’re not quite perfect.

“If Apple could just make a device that quietens the voice in my head that says I’m a gullible spendthrift they’d be onto a winner. I’d pay absolutely anything for that.”