We can hear you through the telly, England team confirm

THE England team has reminded viewers ahead of tonight’s match that they hear every word of the support and advice screamed at your TV. 

Harry Maguire confirmed that every time a fan screams ‘make a through pass you useless f**k’ at their television, the team receives the message loud and clear and endeavors to follow their instructions.

He continued: “Everyone thinks we’ve got this far because we’re staying humble and taking it one game at a time. Nah. We’re just putting the fans’ hollered advice into action.

“I only scored against Ukraine because Tom Logan of Plymouth screeched ‘take a shot you useless f**king cock’ into his 55” OLED, and I obeyed. If he hadn’t I probably would’ve passed it back to Sterling, like a coward.”

Manager Gareth Southgate agreed: “I feel like a bit of a fraud to be honest. During every pre-match huddle I just ask the boys to keep their ears open and do as the baying public orders.

“Everyone thinks I’m some sort of modest genius but I haven’t got a clue really. So please, I’m begging you, roar your inexperienced suggestions at your TV sets this evening. We’re relying on you.”

Six examples of the ITV curse

ENGLAND fans are worried because tonight’s semi-final is on ITV and we always lose. Here are six examples of the dreaded ITV curse: 

England vs Croatia, 2018

Unable to finish the game in 90 minutes, Perisic flicked into the area while John Stones was distracted wondering if ITV still have those betting adverts with Terry Venables during extra time and how they do them. Mandzukic scored as a direct result.

England vs Iceland, 2016

The tournament finishes in disaster at the group stage as Wayne Rooney has a shocker. He admits that his bad run of form began when ITV announced that the X-Factor judges would be Louis Walsh and Sharon Osbourne even though they’re shit.

England vs Portugal, 2004

David Beckham misses a crucial penalty, later confirming that it was because ITV decided his run-up was dead air and broadcast a trailer for Ross Kemp in Ultimate Force live over the stadium speakers to increase market share.

The election of John Major, 1992

Experts believe that election night coverage on commercial channels, because they are so base and money-grubbing, actually leads the count towards the Conservatives. If only respectable BBC coverage was allowed we’d have had Labour governments for four decades.

The Royal Wedding, 1981

Unlike the Coronation, which was signed to the BBC in an exclusive 500-guinea deal and has performed flawlessly since, ITV were allowed to screen this one. Their presenter and Diana-lookalike Selina Scott turned Charles’s head and ensured his infidelity.

Launch of Teletext, 1978

ITV launches Teletext, which evolves into the internet which has polarised Britain, caused Brexit and Trump, and torn families apart. Raheem Sterling will be thinking of the abuse he’ll receive on that same internet when he misses tonight’s crucial penalty.