'We won't want that on,' confirms grandmother you're visiting about England game

THE grandparent you are dutifully visiting for Christmas has confirmed that she will not be putting the England-France game on, thank you.

Grandmother Margaret Gerving, aged 90, has advised that you will be staying for the evening as she has bought sherry but that she cannot be doing with any of that football nonsense.

She continued: “It’s not like it’s the World Cup, is it? It is? What’s that on at this time of year for, ruining Christmas?

“No, your granddad and I don’t hold with it. A lot of louts is what they are, spitting and swearing and their WAGs are no better. We had a word for them in the 1950s.

“Even when we won the World Cup we didn’t watch. I told Dennis to turn it off and put the wireless on. Is Gazza still playing? I never liked him. Spoilt. Too fat in the face.

“You can watch it on the catch-up, that’s what all you youngsters do, and it’s not every day you visit your old granny, is it? Stop messing with your phone and I’ll open the Peek Freans.”

Later in the evening you fancy you hear cheering from the streets outside, but perhaps it is only the blowing of the winter wind.

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Happily married man unaware wife has settled for him

A MAN is blissfully oblivious to the fact that his wife married him because he was the least worst option at the time.

Joe Turner, aged 38, has failed to realise that his wife Helen only said yes when he popped the question after every other reasonable alternative had been exhausted.

He said: “It’s a romantic story, really. I’d fancied her since school and she’d constantly refused my advances until, after her long-term boyfriend ditched her when she was 34, she suddenly saw how special I was and we started dating.

“She’s since said that I was ‘just in the right place at the right time’. Which I’ve taken to mean she’s glad I was still persistently badgering her when she magically fell head over heels for me. That’s what she meant. Definitely.”

Helen Turner said: “I’d moved out of my ex-boyfriend’s place and gone home to my parents for a couple of weeks when this dweeb from school came up to me at the pub and asked me out. In my distress and despair at being alone forever I said yes.

“Fast-forward four years and we’re married with a mortgage and a dog. Will I leave him? No. I’m aware that if I had to start dating again now a safe pair of hands like Joe would look like an absolute catch.”