What the hell is the 'Nations League' and why does anyone care?

ENGLAND are through to the semi finals of an irrelevant competition that’s not even as old as Prince William’s youngest child, but, how much do you know or care about the national side’s apparent footballing ‘success’?

Who did England beat to get to the semi finals?
A. Croatia. And boy, must that sting for them after they knocked us out of the World Cup semi finals earlier this year.

B. England were playing? The semi final of what? It was only the World Cup last month, wasn’t it?

Has it been a good year for Gareth Southgate?
A. Yes. The way England somehow managed to get to the World Cup semi finals and now getting through to the highly prestigious semi finals of the League of Nations, I mean, Nations League, it’s been a great year for him.

B. Getting to the World Cup semi finals must have been good, but I wasn’t aware he had done anything else.

Where you will be watching the semi final of the Nations League?
A. In a big town square, on a massive telly, with a load of drunks.

B. I’m not really into rugby, but thanks for asking.

Mostly As:
Well done to both you and the England national side for pretending to give a shit about this nonsensical new tournament.

Mostly Bs: You couldn’t give a toss. Well played.

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Getting out of bed 'against all natural instincts'

BRITONS must currently overcome 43 separate instincts in order to leave their beds, it has emerged.

According to the Institute for Studies, leaving warmth and safety to enter a dark, cold environment is a grotesque violation of nature.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Millions of years of evolution has taught us to seek comfort and shelter – basically bed.

“Our ancestors would not have left their caves to venture into freezing pitch darkness, they weren’t that stupid. They stayed under their bearskins, getting up about midday to go and grab some berries and twigs before quickly running back to the fire.”

Tom Booker, from Stevenage, said: “I struggle to get out of bed because on some subconscious level I am worried about bears and wolves.

“We’re conditioned to blame ourselves as being lazy, but actually these things are horrible for a reason.

“I may be a glorified monkey but I must be true to my inner voice. So I’ve just called in sick with pretend Norovirus.”