Five crucial coronavirus rules to follow when hopelessly pissed down the pub

OUT for a swift one? Staying out for nine more? Here are the five crucial rules to obey so you can slur ‘I swear I’ve remained within public health guidelines’ when you stagger in. 

Order remotely

Joining the crush at the bar is a thing of the past. Instead remain at your table and use an app to order, or shout your order at someone who looks like they might work here, or simply gesture to your thirsty throat while shouting at the sky. Drink whatever arrives.

Don’t use the toilets

Pub toilets were a major disease vector even before the coronavirus. Instead nip into the bushes, or out to the front wall, or piss against cars in the residential area the pub’s based in. Hey, doing the right thing isn’t always easy.

Tell people they’re your best f**king mate from a distance

After you’ve had a few, you’ll agree with a fellow pub-goer about something – often as minor as liking the same Oasis B-side – and they will in that moment become your best f**king mate. But instead of putting your arm around their shoulders, bellow what a f**king great bloke they are from one-meter-plus.

Fight using furniture

Sadly, the traditional post-pub punch-up must be shelved for 2020, as fists crashing into jaws could spread COVID-19. Play it safe and use chairs and tables as weapons to hammer your opponent while diligently avoiding infection.

Have the hot sauce on your kebab

Clear your airways and burn out any harmful microbes or whatever the f**k they are by demanding the hot sauce on your kebab, from outside the shop, at top volume. Phrases like “The hot sauce! The really f**king hot one!” are officially sanctioned by the government.

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England suffering banging hangover under disapproving gaze of Scotland and Wales

ENGLAND is suffering an apocalyptic hangover only made worse by Scotland and Wales nagging about how irresponsible it has been. 

The day after pubs opened for the first time since March, England has woken up covered in its own vomit with a stinking headache only to be lectured by its Celtic neighbours.

Scotland said: “Look, we all depend on our hospitality sector. Mine’s vital to the whole economy. But trying to kickstart it yourself just because you’re bored is bloody dangerous. And you’ve got sick in your hair.”

Wales agreed: “Hey, I’m on your side. I voted for Brexit. But this booze and reopening binge you’ve been on this last fortnight is not healthy.

“Shall we just lay off a bit and remember we’re still meant to be social distancing, yeah? We might come out for a beer with you soon, as long as you don’t get totally shitfaced again and embarrass us.”

England said: “Just wait until your pubs open, you pious bastards.”