Someone explain discounting to Waitrose, demand Britons

DISCOUNTING something that costs £3.85 to £3.55 is not a proper discount and can Waitrose please sort it out, British shoppers have asked.

Charlotte Phelps triumphantly bought several items from Waitrose with yellow stickers on, only to be informed by her husband when she got home that her total saving was a pathetic 47p.

Phelps said: “Charlie Bigham macaroni cheese down from £7.75 to £7.45 is not a discount. Did you know that posh little tray it comes in is made of wood, not solid gold? I’ve checked.

“I demand a proper discount. You know, an Asda discount. The kind where people menacingly stalk the lady with the sticker dispenser, then fling themselves like frenzied wolves upon mounds of dirt-cheap crumpets.

“Entering a scrum for dubious plastic-wrapped mystery meat from the deli counter and blackened bananas at 20p a bunch is part of my birthright as a Brit.”

A spokesperson for Waitrose said: “We do special Waitrose discounting which makes sure everything is still eye-wateringly expensive.

“This fits with the values of our core demographic, namely to preserve at all costs their superiority to normal shoppers.”

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UK music scene 'could produce another Ed Sheeran' if allowed to flourish again

EXPERTS have insisted the current lockdown on the UK music scene must continue to prevent a resurgence of awful rubbish which could spread globally.

Despite anxiety about the economic damage caused by the closure of music venues, analysts say it is a price worth paying until a vaccine is developed to prevent upcoming musicians playing total shite.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We have to recognise the danger that some unlikely, lowest common denominator mediocrity could go viral thanks to the irresponsible attitudes of some music fans.

“Ed Sheeran started playing gigs in Norwich in 2008. With an effective system of local lockdown he could have been stopped from reaching London and the devastating effects of ‘Galway Girl’ would have been prevented altogether.

“Similarly, if suppressed at an early stage we could have avoided Coldplay. Unfortunately it was allowed to flourish unchecked, reaching America and mutating via Gwyneth Paltrow, before going on to spread throughout the world.

“We must be certain that such devastation can never happen again before the British music scene is allowed to resume.”