Wednesday, 28th October 2020

Someone explain discounting to Waitrose, demand Britons

DISCOUNTING something that costs £3.85 to £3.55 is not a proper discount and can Waitrose please sort it out, British shoppers have asked.

Charlotte Phelps triumphantly bought several items from Waitrose with yellow stickers on, only to be informed by her husband when she got home that her total saving was a pathetic 47p.

Phelps said: “Charlie Bigham macaroni cheese down from £7.75 to £7.45 is not a discount. Did you know that posh little tray it comes in is made of wood, not solid gold? I’ve checked.

“I demand a proper discount. You know, an Asda discount. The kind where people menacingly stalk the lady with the sticker dispenser, then fling themselves like frenzied wolves upon mounds of dirt-cheap crumpets.

“Entering a scrum for dubious plastic-wrapped mystery meat from the deli counter and blackened bananas at 20p a bunch is part of my birthright as a Brit.”

A spokesperson for Waitrose said: “We do special Waitrose discounting which makes sure everything is still eye-wateringly expensive.

“This fits with the values of our core demographic, namely to preserve at all costs their superiority to normal shoppers.”