Man who refers to 'the wife' unaware he is referred to as 'that bastard'

A MAN who enjoys referring to his partner of 15 years as ‘the wife’ does not know she calls him ‘that bastard’.

Martin Bishop playfully calls Emma Bishop ‘the wife’ in front of people in a way he thinks is endearing, but also subtly implies that she is a bit of a pain in the arse.

Bishop said: “I tried calling her ‘the Mrs’ and ‘her indoors’ but there’s something impersonal about those, whereas ‘the wife’ is the perfect balance of comical and snide.

“Maybe Emma would prefer me to call her ‘my wife’ but I don’t like to take ownership of her in that way. I think she appreciates that given how much she ignores me while she’s listening to her audio books.”

Emma Bishop said: “Why can’t that bastard just say my name? It’s not like he’s even working class. He wears deck shoes, for god’s sake.

“That said, I appreciate he’s making an effort at pseudo-affection whereas I settled on embittered mudslinging years back.

“I don’t always refer to Martin as ‘that bastard’ though. Sometimes it’s ‘that f**king bastard’ instead.”

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Pubs to pipe in pre-recorded misogyny and flatulence

PUBS in England have announced they will be using a pre-recorded playlist of classic pub noises when they reopen.

Concerned about reduced numbers and strict social distancing measures, pubs across the nation have put together a soundtrack of nonsensical rants and flatulence to make patrons feel more comfortable.

Pub landlord Nathan Muir said: “There are limits on the number of people we can have in and obviously folks are still worried about the virus, so they won’t be producing quite as much top-quality banter as they normally do.

“We’ve asked some of the regulars to send in homemade recordings of their tiresome opinions, focusing on everything from women to real ale.

“As well as fart noises, we’ll be adding the smell too. It’s been the classic pub fragrance since the smoking ban was introduced.

“Just like footballers need to feel like there’s a crowd of cheering fans, our patrons need to feel like there’s a crowd of men who will punch you for no reason. It’s what makes pubs great.”