Jesus had a Hitler moustache

CHRIST had a small toothbrush moustache rather than a beard, it has emerged.

Researchers in Spain discovered engravings showing Jesus with the type of facial hair commonly associated with a problematic German leader.

Archaeologist Mary Fisher said: “The Jesus-with-a-beard thing is a popular misconception perpetuated by hipsters and Russell Brand.

“If you actually read the bible there are numerous references to Christ ditching the beard and cultivating a neat little moustache.

“Shortly after the water-into-wine thing a still-bearded Jesus tells Peter, ‘Everyone at that wedding had a beard. I fear the look has become played out and lost its vibe’.

“Later Jesus consistently badgers Judas about whether his new moustache is symmetrical, which is the main reason he betrayed him.

“To our modern sensibilities it is a controversial look but Jesus just thought it looked cool. Hitler copied him.

“It’s not Jesus’s fault, that would be like blaming Public Enemy for Vanilla Ice.”

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Mothers demand creation of 150,000 princess jobs

PARENTS fear that thousands of princesses-in-training will struggle to find livelihoods.

18 per cent of girls under seven have chosen princess as their career, but complain that nepotism in the business means they may never achieve their dream.

Mother-of-two Susan Traherne said: “There are no recognised qualifications, no entry-level positions, nothing.

“My daughter is prepared to work her way up from minor royalty to Disney heroine, but even duchess jobs get handed straight to the children of the incumbents.

“This could be a major export business for the UK. Nobody’s more royal than us.”

Salesman Tom Booker agreed:  “My daughter’s 25 and still driving round in a hot pink Mini powered by fairy dust – which doesn’t come cheap – looking for the right opportunity.

“But as things go it’s Prince Harry or bust.”

A spokesman for the royal family said that birth qualifications had recently been dropped and their most recent hire had only a private income and a middling degree.