Racist can't face getting into cricket

A KEEN and committed racist has admitted that despite Yorkshire’s exemplary record of bigotry he is still not getting into cricket. 

Jordan Gardner of Colchester said that while he would normally back Yorkshire Cricket Club for their solid work in tolerating, denying and covering up racism, there is no way he is learning the rules of a game that runs for four days and stops when it’s raining.

He continued: “The thing I love about racism is it’s simple: white people great, everyone else not. Cricket? That’s bloody complicated.

“To be honest I’d only vaguely heard of county cricket before Yorkshire’s inspiring display of institutional racism, and while that’s impressive I’d need to see that it ran right throughout the sport like in football.

“All this business with overs and batting orders and different versions of the game and everything? That’s off-putting to the man in the street, no matter how prejudiced they are.

“Plus don’t we get beaten by like Pakistan and the West Indies? At least getting hammered by the Krauts in the Euros reinforces my faith in the destiny of the Aryan race.

“Sorry Yorkshire. But some things just revolt a man in his very core.”

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Hair grows everywhere on man except head

A MAN is dismayed that hair is sprouting from every orifice and inch of his body except the one place he wants it to. 

Tom Logan suffered from male pattern baldness from his late 20s onwards and has tried every treatment available to restore his former growth, including travelling to Cumbria to have his pate licked by a cow.

Logan said: “Nothing has worked. Hair stubbornly refuses to grow on my head whilst blooming luxuriously from my nostrils, ears, on and between my buttocks and all across my back.

“It also grows on the tops of my shoulders, which is just creepy. I wouldn’t be surprised if it starting growing on my palms. It’s ridiculous. It’s unwanted. I feel like my own body is trolling me.

“I’ve tried shampoos, massages, sprays and even bloody crystals to get a bit of head hair back. I can’t afford a transplant, so it’s starting to feel like the only option is to shave my whole body, cover my head in glue and stick it all on.”

Girlfriend Donna Sheridan said: “I think Tom looks gorgeous without hair, but I fully support all his efforts to make it grow back. Apart from the cow thing. That was weird.”