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Your astrological week ahead for April 6th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

You know a shuttle bus is smaller than a regular bus and has a limited range of movement, just going boringly back and forth? Well, this is a shuttle cock.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are upskirting the stars.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Side hustle: Turn your flat into a fully functioning branch of Costa Coffee, ideally on a station concourse.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

It’s great that the younger generation are rediscovering the joy of big boobs. Now you’ve got something to talk about with them, at bus stops.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

You hate the taste of mint humbugs, but you eat them because they look like baby tapirs. And those fuckers should know their place.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

There are increasingly few D-Day veterans left. We actually lost most of them in one go.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Fingers crossed the pub quiz has a round where you have to identify types of bean from a picture, because that’s what you’ve been boning up instead of doing that project for your boss.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Google has just called you racist for trying to find out where Pingu is ‘from from’.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

This week, you’ll be disappointed when you take off your glasses and it turns out you weren’t secretly beautiful all along.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

“Yeah? Well, your dad’s vape is Pulled Pork flavour.”

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Getting CCed in someone else’s email bollocking is the adult equivalent of when you visited your friend’s house and their parents properly told them off.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

“Okay, school, now this is very serious. John F Kennedy was assassinated on November 22nd, 1963, and I’m going to keep everyone in detention until we find out who did it.”

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Couple conceive second child as long-term investment to stop first one hassling them

A COUPLE are having a second child because they are already bored rigid of having to play with their first one, they have confirmed. 

Stephen and Donna Malley have decided to subject themselves to the short-term ordeal of a second baby in the hope it will pay off two years down the line by keeping their existing son busy.

Donna said: “It’s high-risk, but we’ve got to take the gamble. A single afternoon pretending clothes pegs could talk and were a family established that.

“We’re investing the time and the money to raise what at this point we’re terming ‘Child 2.0’ because we believe it will occupy our existing asset. The theory is once the second one is old enough the first one will take to it and the rearing process becomes self-sustaining.

“That in turn frees myself and Steve up for our preferred leisure activities, binging Married At First Sight Australia and watching strangers bet big money on blackjack hands on Instagram, respectively. So there is a pay-off.”

Stephen agreed: “The next two to three years will be a f**king nightmare, but by late 2026 we’ll have a ready-made playmate for the child we already have and she’ll have someone to take part in eleborate reconstructions of scenes from Bluey.

“Do we regret having even one child? God no. Have you seen the cost of end-of-life care? With these two, we’re defraying those expenses against a promise of an inheritance which may never happen. It’s good-sense financial planning.”

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