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Economy grows by 12% after Prince Andrew stops helping

THE UK economy has immediately grown by 12% after Prince Andrew agreed to leave it alone.

The royal whatever-he-is announced his retirement as trade envoy yesterday, which took 40 minutes longer than anticipated as he patiently explained what he had been doing in the first place.

Constitutional expert Denys Finch-Hatton said: “The Duke of Wentworth is in great demand by organisations across the globe, keen for him to announce he has no involvement with them. I know several landmine manufacturers are looking to use his lack of endorsement as part of an image makeover.

“A company can fill its order book in an afternoon if the clueless, freeloading numbnuts confirms he’s never even heard of them.”

His position became untenable after he confessed during a meeting with a group of industrialists that he did not actually know what a factory was but guessed that it was a kind of hat.

Since taking on the role 10 years ago, the government has estimated that the prince brought just £3,500 worth of business into the country, and that was an order for a pair of panda skin driving gloves that he had bought for himself.

It is understood the prince will now devote any available non-golf minutes to giving talks on business success to teenagers, which will consist mainly of advising them to be gestated in a womb of a Saxe-Coburg.

Finch-Hatton added: “Maybe he could start up a PR company with that billionaire nonce friend of his.”