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Dog hoping for threesome with man's other leg

A DOG busy humping a man’s leg is hoping the other leg will join in, he has confirmed.

Tom Logan, a terrier from Cardiff, said he was keen to try a threesome as his sex sessions with just a single leg could do with spicing up a bit.

Logan said: “I’m banging away at the left leg, but it just doesn’t seem that into it, even though I’m giving it my all.

“I’m varying speed and position, trying to make this a great experience for both of us, and the leg’s just standing there like some kind of pillow princess.

“So I’m thinking that if the right leg joins in it will create a bit of extra excitement and tension, and the left one might feel like it needs to up its game, to keep me interested.

“Of course, there’s always the risk they’ll get it on together and leave me out entirely. I wouldn’t blame them, they’re both utterly irresistible. I mean, look at me, I’m literally panting over the thought of them. God, they’re beautiful.”

Owner Oliver O’Connor said: “I really must get this dog neutered.”

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Wanker who works in marketing disturbingly thinks you have similar jobs

A WANKER with his wanky job selling a whole lot of wank somehow thinks that his wankology bears some resemblance to your job. 

The shocking claim was made during a drunken chat on a weekend night out when Martin Bishop, who sold his soul years ago, said ‘We do pretty much the same thing, right?’

Bishop said: “Yeah, I get weird reactions when I say ‘my job’s the same as yours really’. Blood drains from their faces and they act like I’ve run over their dog. Which in fairness I’ve clipped a couple in the Audi.

“I spend my days tirelessly trying to connect with people, to identify what makes them tick, to get under their skin and find how to use this information to take their money. How is that truly different from being a civil servant or a paediatric surgeon?

“It’s a compliment because I earn shitloads, hence the Comme Des Garcons suit and Cartier watch, so when I say that we’re similar, I’m saying that they could be as rich as me if they pulled their heads out of their arses.

“I’ll be honest, I’m aware it’s a bit of a white lie. I know whatever it is other people do is not on the same plane as me. I weave dreams out of magic.”

Helen Archer said: “He thinks I’m like him. What if he’s right?”

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