A four-point guide to small talk

‘So… which song do you sing in your head while brushing your teeth?’ – just one of the things one might ask in a panic while trying to make small talk with a stranger. Don’t worry – The Mash guide to small talk will make it seem like you have rudimentary social skills.

1. Get shit-faced
Getting drunk will give you inspiration for cool, winning things to say. Getting too drunk and throwing up on someone’s favourite Italian loafers is also a great ice breaker. Make sure to mix your drinks.

2. Pretend you don’t understand how basic jobs work
Ask a lot of detailed questions about someone’s profession, as if you’ve never heard of it before. ‘Oh, you’re a primary teacher? What does that involve? Children?’. People like it when you ask questions.

3. Smile, nod and stare at them like a psycho
Perfect your ‘that’s so fascinating’ smiling and nodding combo while also making such intense eye contact that, by the end of it, you’ll feel like you’ve been staring into the sun.

4. Tell them they’re incredibly boring and walk away
At a party, rudely walking away from someone mid conversation is totally acceptable. But if you’re the sort of person who cares about other people’s ‘feelings’ then you could always just pretend that you’ve spotted someone better and more interesting.

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Couple experience MDMA-type high after friends cancel at last minute

A COUPLE whose dinner guests cancelled at the last minute experienced the kind of euphoria normally only achieved with recreational drugs.

Tom and Jen Booker started dreading the social arrangement and would have cancelled if they were not needy people pleasers.

Tom Booker said: “After a massive weekend I was dreaming about a takeaway and Netflix when I remembered we were having Nathan and Emma over for dinner.

“I immediately got this sinking feeling I imagine criminals get when they’re sentenced. I reminded Jen and she started smashing a large butternut squash on the kitchen counter.

“At six o-clock they cancelled by text and instantly we both started dancing and whooping totally high on the deep joy of a cancelled social engagement.

“We were pinging so hard we felt like calling people over to share the buzz with. Ironically Nathan and Emma were our first thought.”

Emma Bradford, the dinner guest who cancelled, said: “It’s a real shame, we felt dreadful about cancelling and almost didn’t do it but we were really hungover and just couldn’t be fucked.”