Please help me, I don’t know what to do. It’s the referendum today and I can’t decide whether to vote for Nigel Farage or David Beckham. I was leaning towards Remain because otherwise all my hipster Facebook friends might unfriend me and turn pictures of my family into Nazi memes, but then Liz Hurley went and got naked behind a Brexit cushion on Twitter and now I’m all of a fluster. Whatever happens I’m going to complain about it, so should I just sod it all and go to the pub? That is the British way, after all.
Life would be a lot simpler if we just made the Queen work for all that money and make all our decisions for us. I don’t know why anyone hasn’t thought of that before, she always looks so bored; I’m sure she’d love to boss everyone about. Then again, it probably isn’t a good idea to let a 90 year old granny to be in charge: we’d all be forced to eat pink wafer biscuits and wear twinsets and watch Dad’s Army with the volume up so high no-one can hear themselves think.
Hope that helps,