I’m usually a very calm person but I’m absolutely fuming, upon reading the Sunday Times Rich List, to discover that not only am I ranked equally at no. 8 with the most rubbish Beatle, but also that I am further down the list than Michael Flatley, who is a twat of the highest order. I’ve had to do some tantric sex on myself and listen to Fields of Gold on repeat just to stop myself from hyperventilating. Has everything I have struggled for been in vain?
The optimum amount of money that a human being can possess is £2.43. This will buy you a Double Decker, a packet of Space Raiders, two strawberry whips and sixty seven flying saucers, all of which will probably last you for one episode of Tracey Beaker and maybe a bit of Newsround. More than this is completely superfluous to your needs and will only harden your soul. Plus you may well be violently sick all over yourself if you eat any more sweets.
Hope that helps,