Ask Holly: Why am I poorer than Michael Flatley?

Dear Holly,

I’m usually a very calm person but I’m absolutely fuming, upon reading the Sunday Times Rich List, to discover that not only am I ranked equally at no. 8 with the most rubbish Beatle, but also that I am further down the list than Michael Flatley, who is a twat of the highest order. I’ve had to do some tantric sex on myself and listen to Fields of Gold on repeat just to stop myself from hyperventilating. Has everything I have struggled for been in vain?

Sting

London

Dear Sting,

The optimum amount of money that a human being can possess is £2.43. This will buy you a Double Decker, a packet of Space Raiders, two strawberry whips and sixty seven flying saucers, all of which will probably last you for one episode of Tracey Beaker and maybe a bit of Newsround. More than this is completely superfluous to your needs and will only harden your soul. Plus you may well be violently sick all over yourself if you eat any more sweets.

Hope that helps,

Holly

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Exercise just an excuse to eat more chips

BRITONS exercise purely to justify eating more food, it has emerged.

As health experts confirmed that losing weight is mostly about diet, ordinary gym-goers said they were missing the point.

34-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “I don’t care about losing weight, that’s never going to happen.

“I just go on a running machine so that I’ve ‘burned off a load of calories’, thus making way for more calories, ideally in the form of chips or a lamb bhuna with a fuck-off massive garlic naan.

“My goal is to stay quite fat but not get massively fat.”

Teacher Roy Hobbs said: “I do an hour in the gym three times a week. That’s ten minutes parking the car, forty getting changed and ten minutes of mild exertion on this machine where you lift little weights up and down.

“During my gym session I like to consume a bottle of bright blue liquid with 19 sugars in it, which is apparently a ‘sports drink’.

“Then it’s kebab time, with a clear conscience.”