Dear Holly: That jackass Grimshaw has usurped me

Dear Holly,

I was recently made redundant, only to discover that some wet-behind-the-ears talentless young upstart called Nick Grimshaw has usurped my position. That Radio 1 jackass was still in nappies when I was drinking Capri Sun with Boyzone in the back of a tour bus. No-one knows more about exploiting young people for profit than I, and yet my experience counts for nothing next to that baby-faced DJ twat. How can I murder him live on TV without maiming Rita Ora by mistake?



Dear Louis,

I feel sorry for the elderly because once you hit 35 you’re basically too old to do most things and you need to stop trying to be young and rad because it’s embarrassing for the rest of us. The good thing is that by your thirties you become biologically predetermined to stop wanting to do fun stuff like ride on roller coasters and go to cool parties that last three days, instead you start to enjoy pointless stuff like a wee sit down, or a rubbish view of mountains and stuff. That’s a good thing, because while you’re having a cosy time looking at rakes in Homebase the rest of us young hipsters can get on with ruling the world.

Hope that helps,