Dear Holly: 'Why does no-one realise the nightmare it is to be me?' yours, Piers Morgan

Dear Holly,
It’s becoming more and more of a struggle to look at my own big smug face staring back at me in the mirror everyday; hearing the constant drone of my self-serving, obsequious opinions; sharing an eternal space with my hellish, egotistical presence. Why does no-one realise the nightmare it is to be me?
Piers Morgan
Far Inside Donald Trump’s colonic tract

Dear Piers,
Why don’t you make yourself feel loads better by going to the cinema? You can buy a bag of pick n mix for £7.99 and a cup of Pepsi bigger than your own head and go and sit in the dark and scoff it all until you start hallucinating. Make sure you  get tickets for something like Trolls so by the time Justin Timberlake starts singing about sunshine you are totally off your box with glucose-induced joy.
Hope that helps,

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Man not sure if book is good enough to go in toilet

A MAN is unsure if the humorous travel book he has just read is of a high enough standard to qualify as lavatory reading. 

Nathan Muir has applied criteria including laughs per page, dippability, and a wipe-clean cover, but is still unable to decide whether it would be a worthy addition to his compact library.

He said: “It’s good, but is it toilet good?

“Not every book can stand up to the repeated readings. Lord of the Rings couldn’t do it. War and Peace can fuck off.

“It wouldn’t just be competing with a complete set of Far Sides. There’s Clarkson, there’s the Pointless History Of The World, there’s both volumes of Peter Kay’s memoirs and there’s a Jack Reacher for long visits.

“I don’t know why I’m going to and fro like this. There’s only one way to find out; put her in there and give her a road test. Good luck everyone.”