Dear Holly: ‘Why does no-one realise the nightmare it is to be me?’ yours, Piers Morgan

Dear Holly,
It’s becoming more and more of a struggle to look at my own big smug face staring back at me in the mirror everyday; hearing the constant drone of my self-serving, obsequious opinions; sharing an eternal space with my hellish, egotistical presence. Why does no-one realise the nightmare it is to be me?
Piers Morgan
Far Inside Donald Trump’s colonic tract

Dear Piers,
Why don’t you make yourself feel loads better by going to the cinema? You can buy a bag of pick n mix for £7.99 and a cup of Pepsi bigger than your own head and go and sit in the dark and scoff it all until you start hallucinating. Make sure you  get tickets for something like Trolls so by the time Justin Timberlake starts singing about sunshine you are totally off your box with glucose-induced joy.
Hope that helps,