Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,

I have received an invitation to a street party this weekend, to mark the occasion of the nuptials between Prince William and Kate Middleton. I believe it’s an old Chinese proverb which says, ‘neighbours, ev’ry body needs good neighbours’, but frankly, I’d rather have my head hacked off with a chisel than spend any time with the worthless cretins who share my postcode. Instead, I was thinking of taking the opportunity of hiding out in the attic with an air gun and picking off a few of the worst, including that bitch from number twelve who lets her fat dog defecate on my lawn. Is that terribly mean-spirited of me?


Dear Edna,

Although your neighbours may be unbearable, I’d advise against boycotting the street party – unless you want to get chained up in the Tower of London. We learned all about the Royals in school and believe me, they’re a weird bunch. This is probably because until Kate Middleton came along, they were only allowed to breed with each other. Apparently William was originally betrothed to Princess Anne, but after it was discovered that, due to rabid inbreeding, Princess Eugenie has five bumholes, the Queen decided to allow some extra genes into the family pool. Unfortunately, once Kate’s womb has been used to produce the future Monarch, she will probably be executed like Mary Queen of Scots and Anne Robinson. So if you don’t want to go the same way, I’d get out there and start enjoying those cucumber sandwiches, and be grateful that at least your neighbour at number twelve only has one dog, unlike the Queen who probably lets all those corgis do their filthy business all over the place – not to mention Princess Eugenie.

Hope that helps!



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Yes, it does do telly, weary Sony tells UK

ELECTRONICS giant Sony has grudgingly responded to the British public’s single question about its sophisticated new tablet computer.

Sony’s highly advanced new S1 machine uses Google’s Android 3.0 operating system alongside impressive technical specifications including state-of-the-art core technology that allows it to decode 1080p h264 content.

But the corporation held a special UK press conference last night to confirm the only attribute of the device that really matters to the British people.

A spokesman said: “In response to the thousands of emails, letters and burger wrappers with crayon writing on them that we have received from the United Kingdom, I am forced to confirm that this cutting-edge machine, which was years in development with some of the finest minds our industry has ever seen, does do telly.

“For clarity’s sake, this includes the dancing. And the skating.

“And, yes, also the boobies.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I just have to go and kill myself.”

British citizen Tom Logan said: “I think he say it do telly. But me not sure. He say other long words too, make head hurt.

“Do not get me wrong. Me want thing. It shiny. But what if me buy then it no do telly?

“Then me angry, smash shop with stick.”

UK-based technology journalist Emma Bradford said: “It’s terribly depressing that whenever a potentially revolutionary piece of technology hits the market, we as a nation simply grunt, ‘do it do telly’?

“The question we should be asking is ‘do it do telly better than other thing?’.”