Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’m getting married in a couple of months and although the majority of the preparations are coming along nicely, I’m starting to regret my decision to ask my friend Carol to be bridesmaid because she’s not bothered to lose any weight and is not going to fit into the satin sheath dress I have selected for her without some form of medical intervention. I’ve made subtle hints, such as enrolling her on Weight Watchers and leaving cartons of SlimFast lying about, and yet she continues to pile on the pounds. I really don’t want her to ruin my wedding photos but I don’t want to hurt her feelings either. Do you think if I secretly lace her meals with laxatives she’d be able to shit off the weight before August?

Dear Fiona.
Although your fat friend will make a rather unsightly bridesmaid, have you stopped to consider that her size can be put to many other good uses? The fat girl in our class, Frances Hall, is always good to have around due to her superior strength and ability to block doorways, as well as her substantial supply of pickled onion Space Raiders. No-one would dare pick a fight with Frances, not since the time Matthew Tyson kept calling her Free Willy all through PE until she suddenly snapped and charged him like an angry elephant, ripping his Arsenal shirt and crushing his little soldier in the process. I saw it afterwards and it had gone a weird green and purple colour. Frances is also a good person to have on your team for boisterous playground games, including British Bulldog, where she can take down up to twenty children in a single run. Admittedly, she is rubbish at Buckeroo, due to her sausage fingers.
Hope that helps!


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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Congratulations on losing four stone! Only three more bits of that whole “Boring, pig-ignorant, big fat shitbag” thing to deal with. Good luck!

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you misinterpret the objective of your company’s outward-bound teambuilding trip as you return to the office with a bag containing the heads of your entire department.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You will have a disappointing trip to the cinema this week, telling people that X Men First Class is a woefully-scripted film that lurches from one genre to the next with no respect for narrative or continuity, when in fact you’ve walked out after the trailers.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Relaxing in a hammock with a beer in one hand, watching the smoke from your cigarette curl upwards into the limitless azure canopy of the summer sky. What could be better? Well, answering the 999 calls that come into your fire station, for a start.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The next time somebody on the bus starts playing music loudly on their phone, confuse the bejesus out of them by pulling out a clarinet and having an extremely loud conversation down it.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I think that whole assisted suicide thing could really work for you.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
I’ve got a whole lotta love. I’ve got a whole lotta love. I’ve got a whole lotta love. No seriously, it’s been three years and it’s starting to affect the way I walk. Could you at least describe your underpants?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Almost halfway through the year, so how are those New Year resolutions doing? Tell you what, I’ll give you a shiny pound if you can remember what they were.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Why not threaten to do something unspeakably awful so when you later promise to do something less terrible you’re seen as having backed down rather than acting the total shit?  

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you may find yourself in need of emotional support. Therefore making it just like every other week. Have you given any thought to just getting a fucking grip?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You regret eating that big bag of magic mushrooms after you have a freaky hallucination where you order a load of shopping from Tesco home delivery and what turns up is what you actually asked for.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
What’s that coming over the hill? Is it a monster? Oh, I’m terribly sorry, how long have you two been married?