Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Having been married for a number of years, my husband and I have got into an unfortunate habit of spending most of the weekend on the sofa eating fast food and watching TV programmes for the feeble-minded. But recently, my husband has taken up a new hobby called ‘dogging’ and he thinks I should get involved too. Apparently it’ll do me good to get out of the house and meet new people. In principle, I can’t see that it would hurt to give it a try, but not really knowing anything about this activity, I was wondering if you could give me an idea of what to expect. Should I, for example, pack a raincoat and sensible shoes?

Dear Hilda,
I’m not exactly sure what dogging is either, but if it’s anything like British bulldog, it’s lots of fun but very, very naughty. You’ll probably end up with spectacular grazes on your extremities and risk stretching your school jumper completely out of shape. Plus if you’re going to do it on grass then make sure you do it in dark clothing, otherwise you’ll get a thick ear from your mummy when she finds big grass stains on your nice white knickers. Also, make sure someone keeps an eye out in case the teacher comes along, because otherwise you might end up standing against the naughty wall until the end of playtime. If you do decide to take part in dogging, then as long as you take care to avoid being trampled, I’m sure you’ll find it a highly exhilarating and rewarding experience which creates a strong sense of team spirit amongst the participants.
Hope that helps!


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Working In A Call Centre Is Just Awful, Say Experts

NO matter which way you try to finesse it, working in a call centre will crush you, according to a new study.

Researchers found a 100% probability that spending most of your waking life on the phone to people who despise you will eat your soul.

Professor Tom Logan, of Reading University, said: “We looked at every type of call centre, from insurance companies to sex lines to the ones who try to get senile people to buy guttering.

“The common factors were the overwhelming sense of human tragedy and the stench of putrefying souls. Not all the workers were despairing, but those who weren’t were without exception unbelievably fucking annoying.”

He added: “Based on this evidence, one can objectively and scientifically say that working in a call centre is the exact opposite of running naked through a sun-dappled field with an attractive member of the opposite sex.”

Customer-adjacent interface manager Nikki Hollis said: “Actually I enjoy helping the public with their internet connection problems, plus I get great benefits, regular paintball and the company of an awesome, fun team.

‘That’s what I keep telling myself. But somehow I can’t silence the little voice that wants me to kill the gormless bonk-eyed fuck sitting opposite with pie crumbs on his cheek.

“Some days I deliberately piss my pants, just so I can feel something, anything. I’m like a battery chicken, except Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall doesn’t give a shit about me.”

Telesales team leader Martin Bishop said: “We are on the fifth floor, which according to my painstaking calculations is not quite high enough to ensure death so I’d probably be wheeled back in as a quadriplegic, telling everyone to focus on positives as tubes pump piss and shit around my broken body.

“On the plus side, there’s a conference in Clacton in a couple of months that I might get to go to.”

He added: “I am not alive.”