Stop asking us things, say men

RESEARCH showing that men lie more than women is proof they should stop asking them awkward questions in the first place, say scientists.

Male respondents were also found to feel less guilty about lying, as many thought that a six-hour lecture on their deficiencies was not really worth the bother.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute For Studies said: “The figures are open to interpretation, as for instance a woman that swears she’s telling the truth while pushing her breasts together is far more likely to be believed than a man trying the same trick.

“And what a woman might consider a filthy, disgusting lie is usually viewed by a man as a quick and effective way of avoiding a month on the couch on dry rations.

“But what seems to be coming through clearly is that if women got 100% truth from men all the time they’d spend their whole life crying, shouting and working on their lesbianism.”

The most frequent lies differed between the sexes, although ‘I’d never watch rubbish like X Factor’ and ‘Some of my best friends are black’ were common to both.

The top three for men were: My internet history resets itself every morning; So then I decked him and his mate and Of course I don’t fancy your sister.

For women, they were: I prefer back fat to a washboard stomach; Yes, it is meant to taste like that and Of course I don’t fancy your best mate.

Prof Brubaker added: “Lying seems to have developed through a mixture of genetic predisposition, societal pressures and an overwhelming desire to stop the rest of the world realising what a grasping, lust-driven, snack-addicted suitcase of shit you really are.”


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Billy Joel To Write Song About Greedy Engaged Couples

JOHN Lewis has commissioned Billy Joel to write a beautiful, poignant song about engaged couples and their wedding lists.

The song will be the soundtrack to a new television advert which the company hopes will capture the essence of two young people with their whole lives ahead of them, going ape-shit mental with a barcode reader.

A spokesman said: “The advert will be a montage of a couple moving from drunken intercourse, to living together to getting engaged and excitedly telling their parents, before bouncing into John Lewis with a mad glint in their eyes and some drool running down their chins.

“It’s really about the timeless and indefinable magic of people who have been shacked up for at least three years and want better and more expensive versions of all the stuff they’ve already got.”

Meanwhile the company has released a draft of the Billy Joel song that will accompany images of a blissfully happy couple rampaging through the cookware department like a pair of Nazi stormtroopers:

They would like a new kettle
They would like a tagine
And a Dualit toaster that they’ll keep nice and clean
And they’ve put all these things on a list you can see
They say it’s much easier
But they’re just greedy bastards to me

They would like a new duvet
They would like some good knives
They would like a Le Creuset that’ll last their whole lives
But you’ll spend twenty quid ’cause that’s you to a T
They’ll say it’s the thought
But they’re still greedy bastards to me

The move follows the store’s Oscar-nominated advert about a woman who is ageing incredibly quickly but does seem to have a really nice fridge during her first pregnancy.

Helen Archer, from Stevenage, said: “Like all women, I loved that advert because it spoke to me in that special language of the heart that only women can understand.

“That said, when I did actually go into John Lewis I was slightly disappointed not to see lots of grandmothers and grand-daughters buying jam making kits.”

She added: “Perhaps they should do an advert that captures the timeless and indefinable magic of a fat, middle-aged man looking for a new telly.”