Beyonce Launches Branded Stomach Wipes

POP icon Beyonce has launched a range of branded products designed to help self-pleasuring male fans to clean up after themselves.

Bootylicious Tummy Towels are hyper-absorbent and available in three eye-catching designs: face, breasts, or booty.

A spokesman said: “Beyonce’s brand is all about empowerment. She’s already empowered women by sending out a strong message of ‘it’s ok to shake your ass and titties round and round and up and down’, now it’s the guys’ turn.

“Our stats show that Beyonce’s male fans love to hang out with their friends, have great positive relationships and are always reaching to achieve their life goals. Plus they love to crack one out.

“Masturbation has a real stigma attached to it, especially when you’re 35 and it’s how you spend your afternoons. But it’s really just another way of expressing yourself.”

He added:”‘Beyonce is living the dream, and now you can too, by buying these expensive wank rags with pictures of her tits on.”

Beyonce fan Julian Cook said: “I really love Beyonce’s music, her vibe and her arse, although not necessarily in that order. She’s a strong, powerful woman and I can’t wait to defile her two-dimensional image with my surplus DNA.”

Tummy Towel fan Stephen Malley said: “What’s great about Beyonce is that she’s a really real woman.

“Just a straight up, every day, incredibly beautiful, somewhat airbrushed girl with an amazing backside like two coffee-coloured goosedown cushions, and absolutely shit-tons of money. Who goes to the shops in a solid gold helicopter.

“I’ll be thinking about how much I admire her realness later, when I mop my belly with a picture of her face.”


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Music Dead

MILLIONS of pop fans were in shock yesterday as the re-release of Three Lions killed music like a dog in the street.

Musicolgists said the Robbie Williams-Russell Brand assault on all things decent marked the final, degrading act in pop’s turbulent 60 year existence.

Tom Logan, from Reading University, said: “Popular music has been dealt many potentially fatal blows over the years – Buddy Holly’s death, the break-up of The Beatles, ‘H’ leaving Steps.

“But the bestial union of a lumpen, terrace dirge, shouted by some of the most unforgivable celebrities a vindictive gene pool could create, is like standing over a stricken, rabid animal with an automatic pistol and then sending it straight to hell.

“It makes that Sun advert with Terry Venables sound like Rubber Soul.”

Martin Bishop, director of the Royal College of Pop, said: “Just a few months ago I thought the end had come when I saw Lady Gaga acting like an ADD transsexual impersonating Cyndi Lauper. But this is it. This is fucking it.”

He added: “I’d like to be the first to come out and say what everyone else is thinking – this is entirely the fault of Frank Skinner.

“When everyone was giggling away at Fantasy Football without really knowing why, I was sitting there thinking, ‘he’s the one, he is the beast who is going to kill everything that matters’. All that was required was for that song to wait for Russell Brand and Robbie Williams to come along.

“As Confucius once said ‘be careful what you wish for, motherfuckers’.”